Winter is finally here. I’ve been wearing ‘winter is coming’ socks since Christmas. If you don’t watch Game of Thrones, a lot of what I’m about to say probably won’t make sense and I don’t feel bad about it because you’ve literally had almost two years to catch up. I love how people were trying to watch all seven seasons last week. Like, okay, Karen, (sarcastic thumbs up) nice try but winter is HERE! And no one likes a bandwagon, I’ll be sending green texts till I die, but this isn’t a Northface fleece in 2003 – this is the 7 GD kingdoms and a decade of dedication. I even know their names now. It’s no longer – the crazy wildling who looks like he got electrocuted who’s obsessed with the giant woman who the guy with no hand is secretly in love with who kicked that kid out of the window who is now just wheeling around town with a bowl cut staring at people like a real psycho. So many questions to be answered. Like is Cersei ever gonna stop looking like Joffrey? Her hair hasn’t grown for 3 seasons. It’s getting weird. So was that dragon date.
This season’s opener bust out one of the best quotes of the entire series, the hearts of women exploding with power throughout the 7 continents.
If you want a whore, buy one. If you want a Queen, earn her.
I mean, let’s disregard the fact that she went ahead and slept with the guy anyways – although if you watched carefully and know that crazy B the way I do, you know it wasn’t without reason. Anyway, that quote is basically every girl I know’s anthem right now and splashed all over dating profiles from around the world. Not only are women deserving of royal treatment but hey, we watch Game of Thrones too…ohmygodwehavesomuchincommon!!! Let’s talk about grabbing drinks for three weeks and then hate ourselves the entire time cause that’s not what you looked like in your pictures and, for the record, 5’8” is a HUGE difference from 5’6” and I’m gonna tell you I just ate a big dinner when the reality is I haven’t eaten all day and all I want to do is smash my face into that pizza but I’m really trying to be a lady here because the feedback I’ve received is that I’m intimidating which is ridiculous because I’m an idiot – just this past weekend I ran into a wall totally sober and now half my arm is black and blue- and if we’re being honest, all I can think about is what I’m going to eat when this nightmare is over and I just want to get through this thing without setting women back an entire century and now I have no idea what you just said. Insert fake laugh here. But yass! I’m a woman, hear me roar. (face in palms) What are any of us even doing anymore?
Dating can eat my whole butt. I mean, let’s talk about it. (drinks an entire bottle of wine). I talked to a guy this past weekend who told me one of his goals for the year is to buy a plane. Which is great – good for him. Meanwhile, mine is to stay away from abusive relationships. Someone is living at a higher frequency and it’s not me. Why are we all but ready to stab people in the face in honor of our friends, but when it comes to ourselves, it’s like an open house for garbage people? Like legit I will give my friend the pep talk of a lifetime about love and self worth and accepting only what you deserve and then turn around making choices that display the degree of how much I hate myself. Oh! You’re going to treat me like shit?! Don’t move. I’LL BE RIGHT THERE!!! It’s like what am I even doing? It’s the most hypocritical thing I do. And the way dating works anymore, there’s barely a foundation to stand on half the time, so we take what we can get while drowning in a sea of mutants. “But we have a really amazing connection and he’s so sweet to me” – cause it’s 2 IN THE MORNING JESSICA! NO SHIT! I could connect with a plant at 2 in the morning and not wake up the next morning feeling like I have to plead guilty or stand in the middle of town square in shame, cause lord knows my friends will give me that look that’s certainly laced with love but mostly says ‘go stand in a corner and think about what you’ve done’. Let’s all do ourselves a favor and cut the shit. Enough is enough. Marie Kondo your whole life. If someone doesn’t bring you joy, BUH-BYE!
Sidenote, I rented a truck this past weekend and drove to the mountains. Yes. A truck. It was not my choice but it was the only 4WD they had, so I went with it. Now I want a truck. I’ve never understood how cars can boost a person’s confidence until now. I highly recommend every woman reading this to go drive a truck. It’ll change your life – seriously- I could have wrestled a manatee. Anyways, up in the mountains my friends and I spent a lot of time talking about this very concept. Why are we accepting of so much less for ourselves than we expect for others? People will treat you the way you let them. Think about it. Let that settle in your bones. You are not stuck with anyone. Not ever. Remember that. Any excuse you have, I will foil. Trust me, I have plenty of them. If my life was a TV show I would be yelling at that 30-something blonde all day long. What are you doing?! WHY!? I’m like the girl in a horror movie who runs up the stairs every single time. There she goes again. Will she ever learn? The answer is seemingly no…but she’s about to.
Make people earn it. You’re a rare find in a VERY expensive store on the coast in the Mediterranean. Not a discarded crop top with deodorant marks that’s fallen off the hanger at the Ross on Sunset and La Brea. I tend to focus on all of the reasons I’m not good enough – like maybe I would be more of a commodity if my bedroom wasn’t also my living room but I cast to the side all of the reasons I am more than enough. Look in the mirror – you are plenty. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Be picky. We are all worthy of sublime happiness. You are not a runner up, you are not a benchwarmer, you are not an afterthought. Find the person, and I say this a lot, who chooses you every single morning. Settle for nothing less than honesty and transparency. The one who is there for you all the time and not just the hours when it’s convenient for them. Wait for the ones who build you up instead of break you down. Set the standard. See who will rise. This is for the throne.