Ms. DOUBTfire

I discovered this week that my trust issues reach as far as the sea.  Literally.  If you’ve never seen a woman pee in utter fear, go boating in the ocean with me.  I honestly had no idea how afraid of the ocean I was until that moment.  I was certain a shark was going to come out of nowhere and bite my entire leg off, maybe eat me whole.  And then I was so scared I couldn’t go which meant I was out there even longer and the fear only multiplied.  For a girl infatuated with water, it’s really incredible how equally terrified I am of it.  I loved being ON the boat – it brought so much joy to my soul and I found myself happier than I’ve been in a long time.  Not a fan of being OFF the boat.  Funny how can you love something so much but not fully.  I have issues, clearly.  Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Trust is a complicated thing.  I don’t know if any of you have been to the Hollywood Bowl or know what it is, but for those who haven’t or don’t, it’s an iconic outdoor amphitheater that hosts everything from symphonies to broadway musicals.  I recently learned how their parking lot works and I must say, my mind imploded.  The concert was over and my friends asked if I wanted a ride home.  I had walked so I said sure.  Why not?  So we find our way through the labyrinth of cars which felt like a scene from the apocalypse.  Everyone parks each other in – one behind the other – like a highway at a standstill.  Just a grid of parked cars that I’m certain all left dents on one another at some point during the evening.  We find the car – we get in it.  No problem.  I’m looking around and piecing everything together when I realize:  We have to wait for all of these people to get to their cars?

Shirley, you can’t be serious, right?  I am serious – and don’t me Shirley.  Total bananas.  In a land of flakes and people who don’t know how to be any place on time, does any of this seem like a solid plan?  You just leave them there like this?  And now we sit here and wait for these people?  Does no one else have trust issues in this car?  We are surrounded by strangers and, to be frank, I don’t know how to begin to feel about anyone who would voluntarily park this way.  The first word that comes to mind is lunatic.  What if they’re the kind of people with no urgency who sit there until they get kicked out?  What if Bob and Linda had a bad trip and forgot they drove and left in the middle of the concert?  What if someone got arrested?  I mean, God forbid, but what if someone pulled an Elvis in the bathroom?! -we are in LA after all, just saying.  The possibilities are endless!

I was flabbergasted.  Everyone looked at me like I was the crazy one and I’m like – no, no, no, THIS is crazy.  I wouldn’t play this game anywhere.  I worry when I’m on a ferry the people who get out of their cars aren’t coming back.  So all of this fear is coursing through me and I’m looking at the Volvo next to us and I’m like – they’re for sure not coming back.  The Tesla in front of us, I’m like, why did you even park here when you could have flown your own helicopter?  The Prius on the other side is definitely abandoned for life.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  And, yet, believe it or not, we finally started moving.  I couldn’t believe it.  Everyone in our row actually made it back to their vehicles.  Sometimes society doesn’t let you down.  Mind-quake.  But it really got me thinking…I have serious trust problems to address.  I’m sure it doesn’t always work out seamlessly but for me to witness what I believed to be a flawed system was important because I need to start giving people the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming the worst in all aspects of my life.

We are told, ‘hope for the best, assume the worst’.  I suppose it all started as self preservation.  If I assume this person is going to lie to me or if I assume that person will most likely end up in my KILL category, I take away their ability to disappoint me.  It sets me up for success…in theory.  But maybe, just maybe, some of the things we do to protect ourselves are actually holding us back from a world of possibilities our minds can’t even comprehend because we won’t let ourselves believe in something ‘so crazy’.  There is crazy happening everyday all day around us.  I see it, I read about it, I hear about it.  I’m a descendent of crazy.  Why are we so afraid to believe in magic?  To think the impossible?  What’s the point of dreaming if you don’t believe in any of it?  What a sad way to step into the day.

We are all running around manifesting failure in one way or another – whether it’s for someone else or for ourselves – and we need to do better.  Not only because it’s pessimistic and sad and a real villain perspective but because your younger self would hate it.  That little girl and that little boy would want more for you.  A really good friend reminded me of that this week and what’s ironic is when I asked who told her that, she said, “You.”  Sometimes we say things and forget to live those truths.  We get lost in the yuck of it all or get distracted.  We veer off the path that let’s us believe in the unthinkable even when life has proven it doesn’t always end the way we want it to.  We forget to love like it never hurts and dance like no one’s watching.  I gotta tell you, I danced for six hours last weekend and it was one of the best Saturdays I’ve had in a really long time.  Get out there and DANCE!  Unabashedly, wild and unapologetically.  Whatever you’re holding on to might actually be holding you back.  Let it go.  We’ve all been hurt.  We’re still alive.  So hope for the best and plan to be surprised.  XX


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