My Funny GALentine

Well it’s the day before Valentine’s Day so I obviously have a lot to say.  I recommend a stiff drink or case of wine.  It’s Thursday.  Treat yourself.  I celebrated by eating a pound of queso yesterday.  Whoopsie.  Back to Whole30 I go.  In the spirit of being a broke ass ho, I stayed in town like a common single peasant instead of going to Vegas for Galentine’s like I usually do.  Sin city will have to wait…mama will be home soon.  Happy Valentine’s to all you monogamous dings out there who celebrate this massacre.  I am really happy for you.  I hope you go out into the public, sit at a table set for two and gaze into the eyes of the one you love while simultaneously ruining your server’s life who probably has a significant other, kids, a husband/wife or both waiting for them at home.  If they don’t, there’s probably a coworker they are dying to binge drink and hook up with the second their shift is over so please tip your server extra…unlike my ex who never tipped enough.

I guess I should smash in a little Oscars talk.  Remember when I called the best movie of the year?  Not to brag or anything.  (I am most definitely and 1000% bragging)  Kristen Wiig, while always hilarious and a definite highlight of the night, showed up looking like lasagna…

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…while Diane Keaton arrived with absolutely zero fucks in a flannel trench and I-eat-booze-for-breakfast drunk representing Midwesterners across the nation.  I’m not sure if I’m into this whole no-host thing.  It felt like a really weird high school variety show.  And don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Marshall Mathers with every single fiber in my making, like LOVE HIM.  I’ve always been a huge fan.  He does something for me, sexually, that I can’t quite explain.  If he asked me to rob a bank with him, I would drop what I was doing without so much as a text to anyone and be his Bonnie so hard.  No questions asked, sign me up, give me a tommy gun, let’s do this.  I would murder a little for him.  I have issues, we know this.  But anyway, his performance was RANDOM AF.  What was that?  I get he won an Oscar for it, but that was almost two decades ago…HUH?!  I just found myself confused a lot, and not just during Renee’s speech.  Good lord.  At one point, I said out loud, “Whatcha doing up there, Renee?”  And no one will ever know.

Let’s talk about girl crushes.  I have several.  But I have to say my very first was Nancy Drew – one of my favorite fictional women ever.  Because of her, I am an avid if not obsessive reader.  I read whole books in one sitting.  Yes, I’m an addict.  Ssshhhhh.  So I watched the CWs version of Nancy Drew and if I was in a better financial situation I would’ve lit my television on fire.  They may as well have taken every single yellow spined book and ripped them apart for kindling and s’mores.  What did you do to my Nancy?!  The opening scene is her banging some dude  –  EXCUSE ME?!  Nancy Drew is a GD SAINT!  I.AM.APPALLED.  They ripped an angel from her wispy, perfect cloud and turned her into a street rat prostitute.  In what book did you ever read where my sweet Nancy was being even a tiny bit promiscuous?  I’ll tell you which book – NO BOOK.  So some I’m-a-human-fart writer out there decided the way to “modernize” a teenage detective was to have her engaging in casual sex cause…obviously, cause what’s more relatable than no strings attached romps while the sun is still out?  Steam is currently shooting out of both ears.  MY GOD.  Next!

I don’t know how I expect to find a husband at this point.  All my apps are deleted and I rarely leave the house.  I’m essentially expecting a really wholesome single guy who likes sports, puzzles, apple picking and Outlander to break into my home.  So that narrows it down to my landlord and my maintenance man.  My landlord isn’t into my kind so DEAR MAINTENANCE MAN, YOU WIN.  By default.  How romantic.  Because I am a good friend, I wing-woman-ed pretty hard the other night.  First of all, he smelled sour.  I have no other way of describing it except for that his insides smelled of decay.  He was not taking no for an answer, even after he asked me out for coffee and I replied, “I don’t drink coffee but even if I did it would be a no” – relentless.  And I wasn’t trying to be rude, but I don’t want people wasting my time, I try to do the same for others.  So to the man who got my friend’s number –  ASK HER OUT ALREADY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.  I didn’t get sour-breathed on for almost two hours for nothing!

So…Valentine’s Day is fun.  All I am going to say is this – if you aren’t into a girl, like INTO her, don’t hook up with her tonight and don’t even think about texting her tomorrow.  Don’t send a card, don’t respond to a text, don’t booty call her ass, don’t even LOOK AT HER PICTURES.  Don’t even think about it.  People get wild this next 24 hours.  It’s a fragile time.  We got friends posting pictures of bouquets, couple photos flooding the internet, people eating M&M’s with their fucking faces on them, declarations of love around every corner – meanwhile I’m in a back and forth with Jared from Uber trying to get a single dollar back after being overcharged for a ride.  We’re all doing our thing, okay?  It’s called blurred lines – keep em that way unless you want to be in a full blown relationship by sunrise.

I was watching a movie the other day and this guy says to this girl, after the first time they hooked up, I wanna marry the shit out of you.  I didn’t even realize I was doing it but my face had contorted into mostly appalled, for sure disgusted.  If you had peeked in my window, you would have thought I was watching a horror movie.  It’s like YES, I want romance, but let’s be reasonable, SIR.  Let’s give this thing three months to make sure I actually still like you and we can TIP-TOE, at max, around the subject of marriage after the 90 day trial period is up.  Don’t you mention that filthy word a single second before.  And it’s like, yeah, I want a guy who wants to commit but naturally, not like some psycho trying to stake his claim on my dowry.  We all saw Frozen, okay?  I don’t even know what I want half the time.  I scrolled through Netflix for 45 minutes and ended up reading a book cause, no thanks.  I made 4 different dinners last night so I could have a bite of each.  I change my mind about everything all the time a million times.  Because it gets real when you choose.  You have to live with that.

And that’s the thing about life – you don’t get to choreograph it or the people you meet while living it.  I like the idea of possibilities which would probably lead most therapists to believe I would be good in an open relationship.  That is not the case.  I was unaware of it at the time, but I’ve been in several open relationships and as it turns out, not a huge fan.  Not one bit.  I wanna suffer through monogamy like all of my ancestors before me!!  I wanna be in the kind of love that can only be described as waking up in the middle of the night and choosing not to murder someone.  I wanna scream about toilet seats and dishes and driveways and in-laws and why I am late to everything.  I want the good times and the bad times and like…maybe a foot-rub and some pizza with pineapple on it because you’re SUPPORTIVE and want me to live my best life.  Is that too much to ask for?!  Well…I’m clearly drunk.  To you, those you love, those you’re crushing on, those who make your heart beat a little faster – HAPPY MF VALENTINE’S DAY. XOXO

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