While everyone else is fighting about masks and creating avatars, I’m at the ‘I watched The Shining for the first time by myself on a Sunday afternoon’ portion of my quarantine. (please send help) Meanwhile, my neighbor is at the ‘I was doing yoga and my elbow popped out of socket’ section of her pandemic. I have never heard such sounds in my life – it was like a dying russian whale and a standing bass were trying to fornicate. It was awful. And I don’t know Russian so I don’t know what she was yelling. We had to call 911. This poor woman was just trying to work on her fitness and that’s what she gets?? Life can be a real middle seat sometimes. And I appreciate first responders to the MAX but this crew showed up like they were attending a baby shower. Halfway out the door, dragging their feet, lotta side eyes, few of them seemed like missing characters from Dazed and Confused and one of them just kept walking around our building inspecting the place like he was looking to rent. And I can’t imagine the calls they get and I’m sure it’s like any other hospitality job – you approach every situation like – what the hell do you want? I get it.
Is anything better than spending an hour roasting sweet potatoes with tender loving care and then taking a bite to realize they’ve all gone bad? At this point I’m not even hungry anymore and that’s fine, because now I don’t want dinner and I’m gonna take this as a win in my goal towards fixing my body shape! My hair is officially two-toned. If I add pink to the tips I’ll look like napoleon ice cream, which is best case scenario. I look like what a Survivor contestant looks like at the finale. I look like a walking mugshot after wasting away in Margaritaville for a fortnight. I look like a distant cousin of The Mountain from Game of Thrones. I look like what burnt popcorn tastes like. So imagine THAT walking to the grocery and having a huge sandal blowout. Welcome to my life. I had to limp home like some kind of street urchin. This guy with his dog across the street just stared at me from behind a mask so I can’t even guess what’s going through his mind. It was the all around feel-good event of the week. And dear universe, I’ve certainly filled my quota of sandal blowouts for a lifetime – can I be done?! It’s happened to me at a bar in Manhattan, TWICE in Costa Rica, at a music festival (so gross) – just Final Destination me and tag me out PLEASE.
I can’t remember if I turned off my straightener or not but I still know all the lyrics to Good for Me by Amy Grant. Learned that on a hike over the weekend chasing waterfalls again. My friend told me she was going to be sick. I thought she was being facetious. She was not. I thought it was one of those ‘I’m gonna throw ups’ that you say 30 minutes into a workout because you maybe ate too many tacos the night before and have maintained a resting heart rate for the greater portion of the last few months. So I keep charging up the hill quick because the trail is surrounded by wheat grass that I’m convinced rattlers are in just waiting to pounce like baby Simbas and all of a sudden she’s heaving behind me into the mountain. But did that stop her?! NO! She kept on going just like I did on my 21st birthday!! And then we watched people literally swim in sewage and that’s why I know three things: reading skills are important, some people do not have potential and Darwinism is real…&, dare I say, we need to let it play out.
So I obviously have to talk about The Shining. Here’s what’s going on. My book club has decided to do a year of King. Yes, Stephen King – which is perfect for a girl who doesn’t do so great with horror…mostly ’cause I’m single a lot. When we decided, everyone was cheers-ing and all excited and I was in the corner like – WHaaaAAaaAAt? Why????? I think the last horror movie I watched was Paranormal Activity in 2010. I insisted on sitting in between my friend and her husband in the corner of the couch and for sure left bruises on both of their arms. In my defense, I still have PTSD from the break in and can’t even take a shower with a window open and almost jumped out of my pants at the ignition of a motorcycle engine last week. Between this and all the snakes, I’ve been facing a lot of my fears this lockdown. Who knows, maybe I’ll come out of this thing in a relationship – bring on the terror!!! On that note, Scream 5 is a go and if that isn’t a little ray of sunshine in this quarantine cloud, I don’t know what is. If you haven’t seen the original, treat yourself. A woman with DDs tries to escape from a killer through a doggy door in a garage door – hilarious fun for the whole family.
In other news, I have decided to build a speakeasy. I’ve been talking about this a long time, pre-pandemic, and while this might seem like the WORST time to build a bar, hear me out because it makes even more sense today. Even people who don’t normally go to bars want to go to bars solely because they can’t. Personally, I can’t wait for a bartender to give me a lime instead of a lemon – CANNOT WAIT!! So my concept would be called The Huzzah. You’d need the password to get in – it would be something cool like New England Clam Chowder with a follow up question and then you’d get your temperature and oxygen levels taken, your car keys taken away. Inside, everyone has a house account so no transactions required and everyone is encouraged to smash their glasses after finishing a drink. Closed toed shoes required. Smashing idea, right? Get it?? It’d be like Club 54 during Prohibition. And then, on top of that, I’m gonna start a gang to help me run the place. Very selective recruitment process. I would start by observing what potential recruits do with items they decide they no longer want while grocery shopping. Then I would see how they tip, how they behave when their luggage is lost, and what they do when an elderly person needs a seat on public transportation. I think these are all very telling, solid moral evaluations. I also am gonna need a list of references…and they all have to be exes. Why don’t I run the world? Seriously? Huzzah!
I never thought in 2020 this country would be divided over masks. Did NOT see that coming. Well played, universe. Keeping me on my toes. I feel like there is a lot of hostility out there – I’ve started wearing a shirt that says ‘I Tested Negative’ and mostly people leave me alone. If you’re having a tough time, I recommend trivia, calisthenics and, this one is the most important, Celine Dion. I’m gonna come out this quarantine smarter, thinner and drunker than ever before! Some other quick tips: Wikipedia is NOT a source, make sure you go #2 before you do your own nails, support your favorite local spots, reach out to the ones you love CONSTANTLY, try to put a smile on someone’s face at least once a day, burn ALL your pants and eat s’mores and DANCE as often as possible. My personal favorite as of late is Let’s Have a Kiki by the Scissor Sisters. You can’t not smile. Or, hey, make blended drinks after midnight while you vacuum like my psycho killer neighbors – LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE!! It’s quarantine. There are no rules. Anything goes.