Do you feel like life is passing you by? Do you find that there’s not enough time in a day? Are you having difficulty making space for yourself? Try doing a plank for two minutes. TIME HAS NEVER MOVED SO SLOW. Hands down, the worst 120 seconds of your life. Everything is about perspective, is it not? I’m always fascinated by the idea that whether you think you can or not, that’s the truth. It’s all about your state of mind, folks, which is what I’ve been really focusing on in regards to my self-esteem because I’m shapes these days. I looked in the mirror and felt like I was in a fun house. But, NOPE, not a carnival trick, just looking at my body…ALL of my body. You ever have those moments where you really look at your face or your feet or whatever it is and really sit there and take it in? So I stood there staring and thought well, this is not the silhouette dreams are made of – not my dreams at least. And this is nothing new, I’ve been very open about my journey in loving myself – which is more of a Tolkien epic saga at this stage. I’m on week 3 of working on my fitness and I FEEL better which is always more welcome than feeling worse. When this thing is said and done I wanna be able to bust out of my house like Daenerys from the flames in Game of Thrones but with a walk like Travolta in Saturday Night Fever and the sex appeal of Cameron Diaz’s entrance in The Mask. Dream big or stay home, right?
Lotta controversy going around. Lotta people riled. People always ask – Did you hear about this? Did you watch the news? Did you watch Trump – NO! No, I didn’t because why would I? Seriously, what’s the point? I don’t even know what anyone is saying anymore. That’s like asking me if I want to go to a shitty circus. Um, how ’bout no, Scott? Have you seen my life? I took the ‘Which Britney Spears Song Are You?’ quiz and I got Circus. And it’s not wrong, okay? That fully tracks. I got enough going on over here – I don’t need to add our Nickelback of news outlets or he-man-woman-haters government into the mix. So, no, I don’t keep up with the news because I seek joy. I choose to be happy. And you can call me ignorant, you can roll your eyes, but this is an educated decision I made for myself that has nothing to do with you. Please reread that sentence and let it resound in your frontal lobe because, and I hate to break it to you, most people’s decisions have nothing to do with you. Don’t forget that. Also, I don’t have to watch the news because when it was announced California was staying on lockdown for another three months, I got about 45 text messages – so I’m covered.
Here’s what I’ve discovered in quarantine. I know which people in my life I want to be fireside with in deep green velvet chairs, smoking pipes, drinking brandy and discussing politics. What’s the point in having a conversation with someone who has nothing to learn? Who has no interest in learning? People are all like, I’ve blocked my friends who think this and I shut down that – OH DID YOU, KAREN?? Did you shut out all the people who don’t think like you do? What a colorful world you want to live in. Have fun in your bubble, bro. I’m going to continue having respectful and insightful and open minded conversations with those who recognize that they might know some things, could gain from listening to other things and are for certain they don’t know everything. And to all of you getting all hyped up on social media, before you engage READ THE ROOM, FUCKO! (this is a quote from Dead to Me, Season 2 that I plan on overusing into the ground – deal with it, no apologies). Think about where you’re putting your energy! I’m not even talking COVID, I’m talking gen pop. I’ve started hosting trivia nights and I gotta tell you – while it brings me an insane, possibly irrational sense of joy, I’ve also learned the TRUTH is not easy to find – even for the simplest of answers. I was trying to find Bath & Body Works most sold scent of all time, which you would THINK would be an easy find. Every single site has a different answer. Could not cross reference a single scent and that’s just for a stupid fact that LITERALLY NO ONE CARES ABOUT. Use those lumps three feet above your asses.
If anyone is struggling during this time, just be grateful it’s not the 90s. My friend reminded me of the days when a guy would call you and let it ring once and hang up. And then he’d call the movie line so you could call his house so it wouldn’t ring. THAT was a struggle, folks. Imagine texting and all of a sudden, in that text thread, one from your mom would pop up like ‘okay, I think you’ve texted long enough tonight.’ That’s what we had to deal with growing up. Now you’re all upset cause you don’t get screen time? Let me introduce you to a skip-it. I am grateful for the way I grew up. We would run out the door in the morning and all we had to do was be back by sundown. Do kids even do that now? And if you got to eat lunch at a friend’s where soda was allowed in the house – WHAT A DAY! The time I spent on a trampoline or in a pool probably explains a lot – I’m sun soaked, chlorine fed and rattled. (sigh) I just wanna be tan like that again.
I love Les Mis. LOVE IT. But in the middle of a pandemic on repeat at full blast? No thank you. What kind of depression are you going for, sir? My neighbors are some real sociopaths, I’m telling you. Speaking of musicals, somebody said they’re so bored they watched the movie Cats – and let me make a finite statement I will not regret: I will NEVER watch Cats. Ever. I’d rather watch Schindler’s List followed be an encore of Precious on repeat for a week. You would have to Clockwork Orange me to watch that dumpster fire and what’s crazy to me is the cast – like this is a group of multi-talented people, TWO OF WHICH ARE KNIGHTS!, who at one point thought they were getting on board of something spectacular. I’m just imagining them all at the premiere like … “oh god, what have we done?” Unless they were all on mushrooms but even that fades and now they have to live with that – that’s some barbed-wire tattoo shit.
My eyes are doing that really cool thing where I can’t wear my contacts right now and let me tell you – wearing glasses with a mask is not fun. Working out in glasses – even less fun. If my eyes were a person they’d be the bad guy from Ghostbusters 2. So I hope your eyes are doing better than mine. I really hope you’re finding your happy. I know I have found a lot of things I would have never found during this quarantine. I’ve walked through neighborhoods I never knew existed, I’ve been working out with my best friend who’s on the other side of the country, I’ve been having happy hours with friends from all over the globe, I’ve been watching live readings of plays, playing an obscene amount of trivia, using zoom time to chop vegetables – I’ve even been rolling out my muscles – I might even buy epsom salt. Who knows?! And for those of you who refuse to believe there are nuggets of light to be found in all of this – Guy Fieri and Bill Murray are competing in a nacho eating contest tomorrow. I. AM. HERE. FOR. IT.
Love & Joy & Non-ingesting Clorox Xx