Mr. Jones & Me

Hi! It’s me. I’m the problem it’s me. But seriously, hi. Welcome to my mid-life crisis. Make yourselves comfortable. As much as I’d love to slide back into the room and ignore the white elephant in the room which is my inexcusable and long extended absence, I know that’s very on par with someone who responds to a text more than 48 hours later with zero acknowledgment like it’s totally normal when it should come with an apology or at the very least an explanation of SOME kind – even if it’s bullshit. Hey! I was kidnapped by a ragtag team of dinosaurs and fell in love with the kind I can’t spell with wings or a – I dropped my phone down a manhole and met all 4 TMNT and now I fight crime with them 5 days a week and am maybe sleeping with Casey Jones – it’s complicated. So what I will say is this – I was busy doing what I do best which is exploring the world, working a little, drinking a lot, celebrating milestones, galavanting through stadiums and trying to make the most of this little scrap of time I’ve got. I also had to focus on more lucrative ventures because we unfortunately live in a country whose ass is owned by capitalism and I’ve yet to establish my village based on the barter system, diversity with a focus on the intellectual kind, love and honesty. Coming to a plot of land near you soon.

(sigh) I’m not even sure where to start. I also don’t know what time it is or why people like Christmas music. Everything is melting together and while there are a million other things I should probably be doing right now, I just like to focus on the things that make me happy. Otherwise, what am I doing? What’s the point? This isn’t to say I’m happy all the time – there are for sure days I feel like I live in a trashcan and would like to break entire stacks of fine china. I’d love to have a discussion with the sun. It gets dark at 3pm now. Everyone rotate your crops. Can we not? Of all the traditions we hold so dear in this country (please note sarcasm), can we drop this one? Why can’t everyone get as rowdy about this as you were about the Pledge of Allegiance?? Do you enjoy living in darkness? Is the world not on enough Prozac for you? Is this some twisted big pharma recruitment process? Once the sun goes down, my ability to accomplish anything good for society plummets drastically. Time for shenanigans and vampire shit. I’m kidding – I’m obviously a witch and everybody knows that.

I was recently asked if I have a ritual of any kind in my life and I was legitimately stumped. I don’t do anything regularly…ever. I don’t have a skin routine. I don’t have a morning situation. I play Wordle every day but the ‘when’ varies. I don’t have a normal schedule. For anyone who knows me, you’ve seen my life. Does this make me a sociopath? Am I supposed to have a routine of some kind? I don’t like alarms – does that count? I’m an anti-alarmist. Can that be a new political party? Can we all agree that political parties should be banned? For the sake of America and…apple pie? Let’s cancel culture shit that matters! Stop trying to cancel comedians just because you don’t laugh at the same things they do and start canceling politicians for being lying, greedy, lazy corpse people living off of working class wages. At this point, we’re funding the most popular retirement home in the world. Bingo night must be epic. Where do I sign up?

I finally went on my dream trip to Greece and Italy. It was pure magic. Possibly the best three weeks of my life. In Athens when I went through customs, the man looked at me and said, “Kodros,” with a huge smile, “Welcome home.” And then I cried for 24 hours. I walked around the Parthenon barefoot, ate a thousand pounds of feta, swam in the Mediterranean, was fed pasta by a grown man, skinnydipped beneath the moonlight, walked the Path of the Gods and somehow ended up in a bathroom with Spike Lee in Positano because of course I did. Traveling is why I’m a 40 year old without a bedroom. Take me away. My bank account is like, ‘please stop’. Then there’s me on Kayak searching for flights like some kind of trust fund baby like NEVER!!!

I tried caviar for the first time in my life a few weeks ago – which is WILD if you know me – and don’t get me wrong – it’s DELISH but I could be halfway to Europe for how much it costs. My cousin’s husband said something that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about and it’s Nothing tastes better than memory. Without a doubt, that sums up my life. I’m fine with it. Quality time is one of my love languages – and I intend to love as much of the world as I possibly can. Bottom’s up to that. In other things I’ve never done, I’ve also never mowed a lawn – which feels insane. I have three brothers and I was never asked to do it. I wouldn’t even begin to know what to do. I’ve also never seen Zoolander. Blue Steel.

I’ve recently seen a lot of commercials for other countries. For instance, Ireland has put together this beautiful ad that makes you wanna jump on a plane to Dublin immediately – there may as well be a leprechaun blowing some sort of psychedelic in your face while crooking his finger at you. Anyways, it made me wonder if America has ads in other countries and wtf that would look like. I just imagine it’s a montage of sports, hotdogs, theme parks, Taylor Swift, and traffic? What does America bring bring to the table globally? If you’ve ever been on It’s A Small World at Disney, arguably the most racist rides in the world, you experienced their version of America which is cowboys, Indians, Toy Story and baseball. It’s like – what? That’s your summary of this place? I would love to see what the people in charge of tourism are using to lure poor people into this place. Cheezits? Crack?

Anyways, I’ve rambled enough. Hello to you and yours. Hi to my neighbor who apparently has a new girlfriend – don’t ask why I know that but also he needs a new bed. Be kind. Be bold. Look in the mirror and tell yourself three amazing things about yourself. Unless you’re a narcissist. If you’re a narcissist, please go tape your eyelids open and stand in front of the sun. Tell someone you love them. Text someone you normally don’t. Never assume what other people are feeling. When someone shows you who they are – believe them. Shower often. Sing while you’re there. Make more soup. Light more candles. Don’t take a girl to Cracker Barrel on a first date. Or do. And then join the narcissists in the sun please.