My sister asked me what I wanted for Christmas and the only thing I could come up with was a black hoodie. Love me a black hoodie. I wear mine at least 6 days a week. It’s the one consistent thing I do. Grown-up Christmas lists are hard. It really is true – you get to a point in life where you don’t really need anything that isn’t over a thousand dollars. What do I really want? A new couch, a one bedroom apartment, copper pots, a gold knife set and a lumberjack, AKA the love of my life. I thought I wanted a car at one point…I think I’m good. I don’t like driving in LA. I turn into a very angry person when I drive in LA because I’M SURROUNDED BY MUTANTS who are either on their phone, have never used a rear view mirror before or are driving illegally because there is no way in hell someone observed them driving and thought to themselves, ‘yeah, this makes sense.’ I’ve also been having the WORST dreams about being smashed into in the middle of an intersection while driving so I’m going to pass on the car thing. Ride apps for life. It’s like having a CONSTANT sober driver. It’s genius.
I’ve been exhausted lately. I feel like my eyeballs are sliding down my face somewhere between my nose and my lips. I’ve been sleeping like crap. I got up the other morning and started getting ready for work before I realized it was 4am. Whoops. The holidays are exhausting – Who’s flying where when? Who’s getting who what? Who’s going to church? Will she like that? What size shoe is he? Asking for a friend. What time is church? They’re out of mediums! Who’s coming to dinner? We’re out of wrapping paper! Why does shipping cost more than the actual gift? You said mass started at nine, why do we need to leave at eight? Why is this wrapped in tin foil? Who’s pretending to go to church? It’s on backorder until February? Who’s gonna fall asleep at church this year? Who will say the blessing? THE BLESSING! – that’s a Christmas Vacation reference in case you didn’t catch it. No one said anything about Christmas carols! I don’t even like Christmas music. Why isn’t midnight mass at midnight? Is everyone in the car? Who are we missing? The beginning of Home Alone when everyone is running around and Joe Pesci is trying to figure out what’s going on – that’s my version of ‘the holidays’ in a nutshell. Especially for those of you who have younger kids – bless you. And then Santa takes all the credit and your kids have no respect. And if you haven’t already, PLEASE WATCH THIS: SNL Macy’s . I cried laughing. I think my friend Jen said it best: I just wanna Cinderella my life away. Open my doors and let all the squirrels in. Maybe they’ll clean my house. I couldn’t agree more if I wasn’t so afraid of rodents.
And for my dating rant this week. Here’s why online dating is a hoax. Pictures aren’t credible anymore. With filters and lighting and these other things going on, I’m not even sure what I look like anymore. My friend and I took a picture the other day and I have no idea who the girl next to my friend was, but she looked like skeletor and it was terrifying. So just like you can have one scary picture, you can have one great picture. Maybe even 5. Then you put those pictures up and you have people expecting Prince Charming to waltz through the door and in comes Napoleon Dynamite. I’ve had better luck with slot machines. #Fact If dating sites want to be legit, I think a DMV pic is mandatory. I think that sets the bar and puts everyone on the same playing field. Otherwise I got guys using that ONE PHOTO that makes him look like he’s got some chisel in his cheeks when it was just a shadow and ain’t nobody got time for that. Shade. That’s what online dating is – the dark web of searching for affection. Sponsored by filters, voyeurs, time and the 1% of couples who have found each other through the muck.
And as for real dating, if he’s not texting you back, and I can’t annunciate this enough, HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. I know this because my friend text me back within the hour…and she’s in the hospital…after being shot…twice. Let that sink in. And, no, I’m not kidding. NEXT! I also just read on instagram, and this is a direct quote, “Why would you trade an Arby’s gift card for sex? That’s insane. Arby’s is way better than sex.” I will put this into context in a moment but if THIS doesn’t explain dating in a nutshell, I don’t know what does. We’ve got guys who want questionable roast beef smothered in fake cheese over a blowjob. What a time to be alive. Apparently some Missouri church leader tried to pay for sex on Grindr with an Arby’s gift card. I have not taken the time to study the validity of this claim because I became more concerned with the comment mentioned above. I don’t know who you’re having sex with, dude, but it sounds awful. If you were opting for Wendy’s I might let it slide, but ARBY’S?! That’s like picking GoldStar over Skyline – and if you’re not from Cincinnati you have no idea what I’m talking about right now and that’s fine because runny chili takes a really long time to understand, let alone digest. I digress…
Everyone around me is falling in love. Everyone. Even the psychos upstairs seem to be having a solid streak of bliss. I haven’t heard yelling in weeks. Just a dog trying to escape. It’s a Christmas Miracle. Time ticks on. I was thinking about age the other day – I mean I think about it pretty much all the days – and my mom had 4 kids at this point in her life. Meanwhile, I have a plant in critical care, a fridge full of gold eye masks, a bottle of champagne and 4 hard boiled eggs and I’m writing from my bed at 3 in the afternoon. Like mother, like daughter eh? Wild card till I die, I guess. I put the Emergen-C IN the champagne. Am I doing this right? Do I do anything right? Don’t answer that. I wish each and every one of you a Happy Christmas! I hope you are surrounded by love, especially of those whose presence will certainly be missed this holiday season. May your day be merry and bright. I can’t wait to show off my new black hoodie(s). Peace! XX
**RETROSPECTACULAR** 
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