This portion of quarantine has been brought to you by irrational emotions, boredom, cheesesteaks and Jeopardy! . I mean, the majority of this year has been strange and mostly sad but now it’s just gone flat-out 87 shades of wack-a-doo. LA has been put on a curfew ’til Christmas. Ohio has literally become the town in Footloose. No dancing allowed. What world are we living in where a government official had to make the decision to tell people they can’t dance? Pretty soon there’ll be no drinking and no talking. The sensitivity levels of the masses are at an Everest level of beyond. It’s chaotic and delicate out there folks. The things people are deciding to be triggered by are becoming so bubble-wrap fragile that even I – sensitive Sally over here – am beginning to question the evolution of mankind. Isn’t the purpose of living and learning to create a more perfect world? Cause I hate to break it to you but WE ARE DOING IT WRONG. I think everyone should consider adding Xanax into their Thanksgiving recipes this year. Just saying.
People are going nuts about Baby Yoda (who can do NO WRONG) eating a frog’s eggs. Flipping out that Harry Styles wore a dress on the cover of Vogue. Incredulous that Trump’s doing what Trump’s been doing the last 4 years. (but seriously, how are any of you surprised anymore? HOW?!) Can everyone calm down? Drink some wine or smoke (more) weed or meditate or whatever it is you do because the behavior I’m seeing is very UNzen. And just to clarify, Baby Yoda is NOT Yoda – his name isn’t even Baby Yoda, that’s just what the general public has decided to call him because they are the same species. It’s a SHOW and he’s a BABY in a fictional world based on a fictional story set in fictional era of time. So if everyone could stop making assumptions and looking for double meanings or subconscious commentary on the modern world, I and the rest of Star Wars nation would really appreciate it. He’s a baby, he saw an egg, he ate it. The end. This has nothing to do with women’s fertility struggles or genocide or being a Nazi or belittling the gift of life, SUSAN!! I bet you think this song is about you, don’t you? When are we going to learn to stop taking everything so personally? It’s not always about you! It rarely ever is. Yoda stays. NEXT!
Keeping in theme with crazy people, a guy called the wellness center I work at the other day asking if we do sensual massages. I said no and he announced he’d pay extra. It’s like no shit, I think that’s how that works buddy. Is this the normal way people find these types of services? Was he just mid pandemic like – ‘this place has gone to shit, I’m going for it.’ I’m actually mad I didn’t ask how much extra cause I’m genuinely curious what the going rate is these days is. I would think with the state of the world, prices would go up. Maybe there’s a covid upcharge perhaps? I’d love to see the breakdown. Which then led me to wonder why prostitution is illegal. Porn is legal but prostitution isn’t? Two consensual adults in a hotel room, you’re breaking the law but it’s fine if it’s on a set and being recorded for resale purposes? So it’s ok if a company pays you for your services and others can make a profit from it but if it’s a one on one transaction, it becomes a problem? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS. I actually tried to find a genuine answer for hours and have yet to find one. For whoever out there is keeping an eye on my internet searches…yikes. You know some colleges still don’t allow sorority houses on campus because having however many women under one roof is CONSIDERED A BROTHEL?! It’s 2020! Is the power of women THAT terrifying guys?…on second thought, we are pretty crazy but it’s only because you’re so dumb. I didn’t say it! Carlin did!
Back to touchy topics, I came home to a jury duty summons the other night and to the LA County Courthouse, I say this: HHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA. Eat my whole butt. Jury duty? Now? I can’t even hug my friends or sit inside at restaurants or go to the movies but you want me to show up at a courthouse and share air with a bunch of strangers???? I thought gatherings were frowned upon anyway. What is this logic? I don’t think so! Are these essential trials? I’m not risking my health for our crap judicial system. If you want me to drag myself downtown, I’m going to need some more info. What kind of case are we dealing with? What’s the risk factor in me getting put on some psycho murder trial that lasts over 6 months where the jurors start disappearing one by one. This year has been stressful enough, I don’t need the drama. If there isn’t a Zoom jury situation, I’m out. Legit shaking my head. Jury duty…in the middle of a pandemic. OK! (said in the most sarcastic tone that exists). Unless it’s a retrial of OJ, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
So if you’re looking for ways to escape and/or avoid family/loved ones/friends/the person you’re living with these days, I highly recommend a good book, working on your fitness and television. Reach out for recs – just name a genre and I got you. If you haven’t watched The Queen’s Gambit, get on it. It’s beautifully written and I learned SO.MUCH. about Chess. I learned how to play when I was little – but didn’t realize how much I didn’t know. I also watched the finale of Ted Lasso again and it’s wonderfully perfect. Alas, the holidays are upon us and I will be watching an exceedingly monstrous amount of Hallmark films because love makes me happy and the sets and acting are SO incredibly BAD it makes me giggle.
In other news, my upstairs neighbor has been so quiet I’m actually concerned her ex might have come back and murdered her. And those are the kind of theories you come up with when you’ve watched too much Unsolved Mysteries. Volume 2 is solid if you’re looking for new things to watch. I have a new neighbor who seemed great until a few weeks ago when he decided he was going to have nightly concerts in his apartment brought to you by Spotify. I’m talking 1am BLASTING Oasis and Coldplay which seems like a serial killer kind of choice at that hour, no? I also maybe just watched Jason Momoa facetime with a kid going through chemo and he’s a beautiful human inside and out. My god. And in case anyone is still feeling on edge and this provided no comedic relief of any kind, don’t panic, there’s Twinkie cereal now. This country is embarrassing. More wine, please. Xx
PS – Sorry this was a day late…it’s been a week. Hugs and kisses – the Hershey kind.