I don’t know what days are anymore. I keep thinking today is Friday. Everyday should be Friday moving forward. At this point, why not? Who cares? So what? Regardless of what day it is, America has spoken. Jill’s husband has been elected the 46th President of the United States. I think? I’m no political aficionado but with headlines like Joe Biden (air quotes) remains the (more air quotes) projected winner, it’s not exactly convincing. Which leaves me unsettled like – What now? In the last 24 hours, 45 tweeted ‘WE WILL WIN’ and is now on a tirade to demolish Fox News, which might have been more beneficial to him if he’d started that up BEFORE the election. Bipartisan journalism – is it too much to ask for? All I’m saying is it’s been quite a year and like with everything else these days, I’m being cautious. If I’ve learned one thing this year, it’s that anything can happen. Anything. Let’s not forget that North Dakota elected a dead man into office…which renders me speechless. Truly.
I’m not accusing anyone in particular (except for you) but I’ve been seeing a whole lot of Christmas decorations up already. Looking at you, Karens. I assume at this point, everyone is like – Fuck it, why the hell not? (sorry ma) I think it’s an attempt to fast forward time and get out of 2020, which is totally fair. ESCAPING 2020, coming to a theater near you! The more cheer the better and I can get behind that. But as we enter the holiday season of quarantine and I’m thinking this can’t get worse, I remember that Christmas music exists. Ugh. I realize that my dislike for this genre of music is my own but I can’t be on lockdown AND be hearing Joy to the World or I’m going to have an actual full out meltdown Clark Griswold style.
Speaking of meltdowns, anyone else feel like it’s time to get ready for bed and then you realize it’s 6:30 at night and you haven’t even had dinner yet? What is happening? Why does this time change feel like I’ve moved to a different country on the other side of the world? I have been through 74 time changes and not one of them has ever made me contemplate assisted living. Is this what getting old feels like? If this time change had a theme song it would be Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball. It’s one hour. ONE. And it’s all but ruined me. This year has been quite enough. We couldn’t just skip the part where you TAKE AWAY THE SUN?? I can hardly keep my eyes open – I’m like some sort of solar powered sloth. I’m the opposite of a vampire. Is it time for bed yet?? How is it only this time??? It’s barely Jeopardy! time. Speaking of which, heartbroken. And can we talk about how he was 80?! What?? I need to know his routine, skin regimen, habits, all of it. What a legacy he’s left behind and how he will be missed every single day of the week. He’s truly irreplaceable – sorry Beyoncé. He was the most consistent man in my life. I’ll be holding auditions next week. Stand by.
It has been brought to my attention that there are words I use that I clearly don’t understand the meaning of in retrospect. My friend and I drove by Rampart Avenue which then cascaded into a discussion about the Star Spangled Banner because that’s what you do in month eight of quarantine. Beyond the fact that our national anthem’s melody is based on an old English drinking song, does anyone even know what a rampart is? NO GOOGLING. We had no idea – probably because we weren’t raised in castles which is super unfortunate because I would have THRIVED in a medieval upbringing. Anyways, noun: an embankment built around a space for defensive purposes. Ah-ha! Right? Brilliant. And then today, my mind turned into confetti while looking at shoes when I realized Doc Martens are Doctor Martens. WHAAAAAT?!?!? I am in literal disbelief. I have never felt so enlightened and profoundly dumb my entire life. I sincerely thought Doc was the first name of Mr. Martens. It’s like if I asked you what your true love gave to you on the 4th day of Christmas. You THINK you know and then you discover you really had no idea and have been singing the wrong word your entire life. THAT, I will let you google so you can have a HUH?! moment like I did. It’s time like these I feel like I need to re-register for kindergarten and start this whole thing over.
Alas, I must say I’m a tiny sad Clare’s not the bachelorette anymore. Who could possibly replace her crazy? (no one) How are we going to play the ‘show up’ drinking game now? I honestly might not even watch the rest of the season because YAWN…also it’s garbage TV but we already knew that. During Chris Harrison’s interview with Clare and Dale she’s like ‘I respect the process’ and Chris Harrison’s face was THE BEST. It was like – uhhhh, do you? Cause you completely fucked us lady!! What process? You saw one man get out of a limo and said HIM! That’s not a process. That’s not how this works – that’s not how any of this works! Then Chris Harrison (I’m sorry but I can’t reference him without using his full name) asked what’s next and Clare yells, without hesitation, BABIES!! Dale completely ignores it and attempts to actually speak a full sentence which he hasn’t the entire time because CLARE NEVER SHUTS UP when Chris is like – whoa whoa, are we having babies before marriage? And we will never know Dale’s answer because Clare steps in and answers her own announcement by saying ‘whatever comes first’. I am going to miss that lunatic.
On the topic of love, I seem to be a hotspot for relationship venting as of late. Listen, relationships are hard no matter what. Quarantine makes them harder. If you’re not living with your person, congratulations. And if you are, yikes. I know it’s not easy because I live alone and wanna tear my own hair out from time to time. My advice is to be kind, to find space where you can and to remember that you’re annoying them just as much, if not more. Being on the same page with someone every single day isn’t realistic. You’re gonna have your bad days, your good days, your better days. An older man said to me yesterday, “My wife and I have been married for 55 years but my God we’ve never spent this much time together.” The grass is always greener but believe me when I say there are people who would love to be in your situation – so remember you’re living someone’s fantasy right now no matter what your situation is.
On a more serious note than I like to be, the country is severely divided right now and regardless of who sits in the oval office, that remains true. I’ve asked myself a lot these past four years if 45 is the cause or is he a symptom? We’ve stopped seeing people for who they are and started seeing one another as red or blue the way we see it. We think we already know everything there is to know about a person with a Biden/Harris t-shirt on or wearing a MAGA hat, and this lack of communication is what will break us even further. I know people that voted for Trump and I know people that voted for Biden. I don’t care who you vote for – but I do care how you treat the people who vote differently than you do. I was in my friend’s car when I saw a lady fall on her face a few days ago. I grabbed a mask and jumped out of the car to help her not knowing anything about her. And that’s my point – at the end of the day, we’re all humans just trying to get by in this thing called life and love will always overpower hatred. Chappelle said it best:
I would implore everybody who’s celebrating to remember, it’s good to be a humble winner. Remember when I was here four years ago? Remember how bad that felt? Remember that half the country right now still feels that way. Please remember that. Remember that for the first time in the history of America, the life expectancy of white people is dropping. Because of heroin, because of suicide. All these white people out there that feel that anguish, that pain, that man, they think nobody cares. Maybe they don’t. Let me tell you something. I know how that feels. I promise you, I know how that feels. You’re a police officer. Every time you put your uniform on, you feel like you’ve got a target on your back. You’re appalled by the ingratitude that people have when you would risk your life to save them. Oh, man. Believe me. Believe me, I know how that feels. Everyone knows how that feels. But here’s the difference between me and you. You guys hate each other for that. And I don’t hate anybody. I just hate that feeling. That’s what I fight through. That’s what I suggest you fight through. You got to find a way to live your life. Got to find a way to forgive each other. Got to find a way to find joy in your existence in spite of that feeling…
-Dave Chappelle, SNL monologue
On that note, I’m out. May you have a spangled afternoon – another word I plan on using more frequently. And a huge one day late Happy Veterans Day to all those who have served this country past and present. We are the land of the free because of the brave. You are the real heroes. A thank you will never do the justice you selflessly preserve. Xx
**RETROSPECTACULAR** 
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