My biggest love affair to date has been with the outdoors. Still managing to take my breath away all these years later. This picture makes me so happy. I saw it at a nature preserve in North Carolina and I stood staring at it for ages. It’s beautiful…the way the light finds its way through the twists and turns of the trees. Nature is what helped me hold on to a percentage of my sanity this past year. Albeit a very small percentage, but every little bit counts right? Mother Earth, my ride or die. The more I see, the more I fall. She’s a cure all. If you’re ever feeling lost or sad or confused or overwhelmed – find a mountain top, a waterfall or a sunset. Best drugs on the market. Just as addicting but way better for your body and soul. You ever just look at the horizon and think to yourself how amazing life is? I realize I sound like someone who’s been drinking a little too much kool-aid but I’m telling you, the perspective Earth can give you is magnificent in a regal way. She deserves more than a day but I don’t write the rules. Could you imagine my kingdom? Lavish gardens, lots of towers, nonstop music and dancing…so much dancing and goblets upon goblets of wine. Can you tell I’ve been reading medieval fiction? Swoon. Anyway, anyone else feel like Cher maybe actually succeeded and turned back time? Michael Keaton is playing Batman. How I Met Your Mother is coming out with a sequel. J-Lo is going through a breakup. Taylor’s Fearless album (her version) just came out…again. Even fashion is going backwards and it’s like – we already did this. And who is making these decisions? If we’re going to go back can we at least go back somewhere cool? Cause the 90s aren’t it. Why can’t Gatsby culture make a comeback? Or the 1890s? (sigh) I believe it’s time for a goblet of wine.
Well what do you know? ABC already had a gay bachelor and now it’s all ruined cause they didn’t do it right the first time. Talk about a total fail. It’s 2021. What’s a girl gotta do to watch a gay season of the bachelor?! Now THAT would be good television. What’s the hold up? We should all be taking it personally. Make the spinoff. Do it. Give the people what they want! Cause here’s the thing, it’s time for something different. You gotta give this show a facelift. It’s not like anyone is taking any of this seriously anymore. I mean, anyone still watching that show and holding onto any notion of a fairytale romance is delusional. We’ve seen the percentages. We know what happens after the cameras stop rolling. The gig is up and I’m bored. We’re all bored. Give us something new to believe in. You would think it would be a lucrative move for the network, but what do I know? I’m just a girl from a small town on the Mississippi River who still believes in fairies and has a phobia of public restrooms. Real talk, the five years I worked in Chicago, I would run across the street into the mall and use the 6th floor bathroom. Don’t tell me I’m not dedicated.
I watched Titanic the other day…cause that’s what you do after donating blood and feel like you’re having an out of body experience. It also happened to be the anniversary of the sinking of Titanic last week – sheer coincidence. While watching, I noticed a lot of things I hadn’t before. For instance, when Kate Winslet first appears in the film in her little pinstripe suit/dress with giant hat, I thought – can you imagine wearing that and being serious about it? I, for one, cannot. I know which part of the boat I would have been assigned to. I would have had to poker game my way on for sure. When Jack and his buddy run up the gangway and make the jump onto the boat – that would have been my death scene. The part where all the plates come crashing off the shelves, I was like, well how much did THAT shot cost?? And for the record, there was SO MUCH ROOM ON THAT DOOR! They just needed to figure out the weight ratio. They gave it one try and gave up. Losers. And would the whistle have blown? Wouldn’t it have been frozen? I will say, I want a Jack Dawson. Someone who sees me and is like – HER. A man who has no selfish agenda, fights for me, would let me ax his handcuffs off because he believes in me that much, knows the world doesn’t revolve around money and is a constant good time. Can we discuss the man who comes down the stairs as the ship is sinking in his boujee white scarf and is offered a lifejacket and he’s like, ‘no thanks, but I’ll take a brandy’? That’s the kind of person I want to go down in a sinking ship with. Way better than the guys trying to finagle their way on the boats before women and children. Gross. That boat was filled with 90% selfish dudes and their true colors really came out post iceberg. Speaking of which, and we all know this, but just a reminder – CAL SUCKS. He’s the literal worst. There isn’t a single shred of good in him the entire movie. He’s the devil in a 3 piece suit with a butt cut. If I were engaged to him, I’d throw myself off the back of a boat too – successfully.
Everyone goes through breakups. Everyone. Even A-Rod who apparently has a shrine to J-Lo which he posted on social media to the tune of Coldplay’s Fix You. I mean, yikes. He’s in a REAL sad place. There was even a framed picture of their names drawn in a heart on the sand. Poor guy. Heartache is exhausting and it takes time and I don’t wish it on anyone mostly but pick yourself up, find some distractions and get yourself through the day. You’re not alone, heartache is human. Everything you’re feeling is beyond valid and the only thing that’s going to get you to a better place is time so spend it wisely and be kind to yourself. I don’t know about you but when I think about my lineup of relationships, I don’t even know how to connect the dots. Maybe my taste in men is constantly changing because as I’m rewatching Buffy, I’m finding myself to be more of a Spike fan than ever before and I’m not sure how to feel about it just yet. I have always been team Angel. ALWAYS. So now it’s like I’m betraying him which makes me feel like a real idiot. But if you compare the two, Spike’s love was never contingent on anything else and…and this is the kicker…he STAYED. And let’s be real, she was nothing short of awful to him. And he still stayed. When she was at her very worst, there he was. Does that kind of loyalty even exist anymore? Is monogamy even a thing? I got ghosted the other day for not wanting to go and cuddle with someone I JUST MET. Please go eat a piece of pizza while it’s too hot and burn the skin behind your two front teeth. Talk about a McGoo. What am I even dealing with anymore? It is mortal kombat out there and I AM TIRED. Let’s just fast forward to the point where neither of us is shiny enough for the other anymore and you hate the way I chew.
In conclusion, boats and sunshine are the elixir to life. The Greeks have their windex, I’ve got water and light. Whatever is going on, just take me to the shore and let that magic ball of flames do its thing. Hang on to the people and things in your life that make it better. Everything else must go. Your time, attention, feelings and worth are all very important and need to be put into the hands of someone who knows that…can handle it…and stays. Please keep in mind I wrote the majority of this with a pint-and-then-some of blood missing from my body. For whatever reason, it hit me more this time than the others. I bought a couple plants on my way home (I’m sure they’re thrilled), had dinner at 6 and am full on ready for bed. Am I 85? My single white eyebrow hair has made a beautiful comeback – thank you so much. Thank you for the reminder that my end is drawing near. Arigato. Can someone please send me a grilled cheese? Or at the very least, throw a cupcake through my window? My pandemic boyfriend has been a total let down as of late. Speaking of which, pizza cupcakes are apparently a thing which is proof that someone in the universe loves me very much and only wants the best for me. Happy Earth Day to you and yours.
Oh yeah…if you’re bored, here’s a little write up about me…
**RETROSPECTACULAR** 
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