I have been plagued by crickets. They’re after my soul. I didn’t sleep for almost a week because of a cricket outside of my door. Apparently it’s mating season. Congratulations, but you can’t do that here. At my breaking point, I grabbed a wooden spoon from the kitchen and went out into the courtyard like a full on mad woman. Even my neighbor peeked out and I was like – LOOK AWAY!!!! Just me poking around in every plant and flower out there searching for this little chirp-monster. Finally found him, which was a miracle in itself. Tried to guide him to brighter pastures and he kept trying to come back…so I maybe accidentally killed him. I apologized to his parents. Three days later and now there’s a cricket IN MY APARTMENT. It must be a cousin. He escaped me and I’m pretty sure he’s IN my couch. Lovely. He’s out for revenge. Or maybe it’s because I watched an entire season of Survivor in one day and he was attracted to the noises coming from my television? I don’t know what’s going on. If this thing starts making noise I will be a couch short by next week…which wouldn’t be the worst thing. So now there’s a cricket at large in my abode and I just have to live with that. I think he’s in it for the long game. Just plotting my demise. Apparently crickets symbolize luck and protection. I don’t know who decided that or if it’s just something to make me feel better like ‘rain on your wedding day is good luck’ but get this thing out of my apartment please and thank you. For anyone who cares, a group of crickets is called an orchestra. You’re welcome.

So…Survivor. I have not watched this show since 1998. So many thoughts. I mean, talk about a bunch of liars. Is this a metaphor of America? Just a bunch of selfish liars out for themselves at the cost of everyone else? Are there good people? Cause the good people never win this game as far as I can tell. So obviously I imagine how I would weather in this game. I’m outdoorsy. I’m tough. I hate to lose. I’m smart and people like me. I’m also extremely emotional, stubborn AF, a TERRIBLE liar and I hate sweating unintentionally. I hiked in 95 degree weather the other day and I’m pretty sure I said ‘it’s hot’ at least 45 times. So environmentally, I’m not sure it’s the best situation for me. I hate being hot. I don’t like snakes or spiders. Mosquitoes are obsessed with me and I’m allergic. I avoid eating anything off the bone cause it’s gross. I for sure could never kill a chicken with my bare hands. I don’t know who I’d be in that situation. There are a lot of idiots on this show and I’ve worked with a lot of idiots and it isn’t the best combo. I have the temper of Italians. Add in the hunger and weather elements and who knows what version of me would show up. But I do like money. Actually, I don’t even like money, I like being comfortable and I’m comfortable when I don’t have to look at my bank account. That’s the kind of life I’m about.

Disneyland has reopened and what do you know – people are RILED!!!! They revamped the Snow White ride and now at the end, the prince gives a sleeping Snow White a kiss and breaks the spell. I understand that’s how the fairytale goes but who made this twat toast decision? After all the headlines, court cases, arguments and discussions about consent, this was your choice?! Of course there’s somebody mad about it, you’ve seen the world we live in. And let me be clear – personally, I think it’s fine. I think it’s a cartoon. I think we are all aware she is incapable of giving consent granted she is UNDER A SPELL. I think I prefer Snow White alive at the end. What’s the other choice? OR death? However, granted the cultural climate we currently live in, I have to give some BIG EYES because this had to have been approved by so many people for it to come to fruition. Not one single person was like – (lightbulb) hey, wait a minute… And for anyone else who is mad about this ride, I recommend you don’t look too deep into any Disney tale. They’re all a bit…dated, shall we say? And that’s being polite. Belle legit has stockholm syndrome. Ariel leaves the life that is better to be with a man who fell in love with a voice like some kind of psycho. Also, get a pen and paper Ariel. Duh.

If anyone is watching Handmaid’s Tale and isn’t caught up, proceed to the next paragraph. ***SPOILER ALERT*** That much milk makes me dry heave. Silver lining is it wasn’t whole milk. Why June chose to hide in a milk fridge instead of a car is beyond me. Listen, if you don’t think I’ve thought about how I would disappear if I ever needed to, you don’t know me. I’ve thought about it since the day I watched The Net with Sandra Bullock. It’s why there’s money in my freezer. Anyways, my point is, June clearly did not put much thought into it because she’s on the run in a BRIGHT RED tunic with a WHITE hat. Everybody knows red cars get ticketed more than any other color car – and if you didn’t know that, you do now. You lose the hat, you lose the red romper and you DON’T RUN ALONG THE TRAIN TRACKS!! It’s hide and seek 101. Use that lump three feet above your ass, June! Watching this show already gives me anxiety and now I’m angry. Can she just please go find Hannah and blow up Gilead? I’m kinda done with this show. Fred is living dumpster. Serena is a sociopath. Lydia is a nightmare human. I don’t understand how these “strong” women got involved in a world run by men. I’m exhausted and some of it is a bit too close you know? I told my friend, ‘I just want Nick and June to live happily ever after. I don’t care about her other baby daddy’ to which he goes, ‘you mean her husband?’ Yeah. Sure.

In this week’s edition of dating advice for men, don’t bring up your weiner in the first five minutes of conversation. And maybe don’t call it a weiner. For any of you struggling with online dating or maybe you’ve given up entirely (ME), keep in mind even Ben Affleck is having a rough time. He matched with someone who then unmatched with him thinking he was a catfish and then sent her a video message letting her know he was the real deal. I mean he went from being married to Jennifer Garner to trolling influencers on dating apps…not judging, just stating facts. He was also seen with J-Lo recently. See? Lots of people run back to their exes. Speaking of which, stop doing that. It is very difficult to have a different relationship with the same person. We have a tendency to believe that any affection is better than no affection. Expect better for yourself. Expect better from others. Stick by the people who make you feel beautiful all the time – not just when it’s convenient for them. And to the person who told me ‘you deserve goodness’ this morning – thank you, I heart you, you make me smile. On a final note, somebody said Billie Eilish looks like Cillian Murphy with blonde hair and now I can’t unsee that. And neither can you. Again, you’re welcome. Have a glorious week. Operation smokeshow has been initiated which means I’m on Whole30. So when you’re eating cheese, think of me fondly. Wink. Xx


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