Bless You

I spent my Sunday night being a basic bitch with a little paint and sip action.  This painting started as a wedding gift…ten years ago.  No joke.  I ended up not going to said wedding and they have since divorced.  So it has been behind my couch since 2010 collecting dust…until now.  I’m not quite finished but it felt good you know?  I haven’t taken the time to create like that in a really long time.  I still have an adult coloring book that hasn’t been touched.  There’s never enough time.  If I could only figure out how to monetize time, I would be a billionaire of epic proportions.  Too bad I don’t understand science or math and am still trying to wrap my head around Inception and Interstellar.  I can’t even.

I’m doing this fun new thing when people ask me about my dating life called laughing.  What else can I do anymore?  Cry?  I’m kidding, calm down.  Dating in general is hard.  Dating in LA is on a whole nother level.  Catastrophic, traumatizing and mostly feels like a trick.  LA is the deep dark ocean of dating.  You know the parts of the ocean no one understands or can even get to full of species unheard of.  The phrase ‘there are other fish in the sea’ makes my head wanna pop off.  You don’t know the sea.  No one knows the sea.  There’s a whole universe of life down there in the pitch dark we know nothing about – we know more about space.  So, sure, yeah, there are plenty of fish in the sea but most of them are crazy psycho fish with no social skills that never see the light of day.  I don’t even know how to explain it anymore.  I’m not saying I’ve given up all hope but I think I can sum it up with one word:  yikes.  I sneezed and the only other person in the room didn’t say Bless You and that’s pretty much what dating in LA is like.

I’d like to send out a huge slow clap to J-Lo for her SNL performance in which almost every sketch was about how hot she was.  Thank you for that.  We’d forgotten.  It was something we all needed.  Maybe it’s that in my interactions with her she’s been less than kind, but come on Jenny from the block (she’s not anymore, for the record) – be better than that.  One sketch about being pretty?  Fine.  I’ll deal.  Two?  Stop it.  Right meow.  That’s gonna be a no for me dawg.  I wanna scream sometimes.  Apparently there is a thing called a rage-room downtown where you can go into a soundproof room with a weapon of choice – mine would be a baseball bat – and break things.  If I could take a bat to a television, my heart would soar.

My neighbors got a dog, which seems like a superior choice since their relationship is going so well.  From what I’ve gathered, this dog likes to dig hardwood floors and maybe has a skateboard.  I don’t understand couples who think a dog or a baby is going to fix their problems.  What kind of logic is that?  Hey!  Things are shitty!  I have an idea!  Let’s make em shittier.  And then all of their emotional garbage is subconsciously transferred to said baby or dog and now their life is wrecked from the get-go because you weren’t grown up enough to say goodbye and love yourself.  As I wrote that, I just got body chills all up my left side.  Weird.  On that note, is there anything Sterling K. Brown isn’t in????  He’s everywhere.  And I love it.  And in case you’re wondering, I have a sweater for my vodka in my purse cause I’m CLASSY AF.  Next week I’ll be writing from Cincinnati.  Until then…BLESS YOU xx