O Positive

Nobody panic.  Not only did I accidentally send my favorite spoon through the garbage disposal and am I starting to look like Frankenstein’s bride, but we’ve reached the multiple waterspout portion of the pandemic.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, please pause and google immediately.  I’ll wait…

…That’s right, water is going up now.  Of course it is.  Because two (TWO) hurricanes are headed for the exact same spot in the Gulf.  NBD.  What in the blue blazes of hell is 2020 and how do I get a refund?!  WTF is Mercury?  Everytime life gets weird it’s cause that little planet is up to some sneaky bitch shit retroing or whatever it does around the universe and CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY PIZZA IS SO DELICIOUS?!  What I wouldn’t do for a slice of Lou Malnati’s right now.  Salivating.  The thing with living alone is that I cannot be trusted with an entire pizza.  If there is pizza, I will eat it.  That’s how pizza works in this house.  Pizza is the boy I keep running back to no matter how many times he done me wrong.  And then I sit in shame, staring at the crumbs thinking ‘look what you’ve done’.  Pizza might be the love affair of my life thus far which, as I’m typing, sounds exponentially more sad than I intended.  Buy me pizza and tell me I’m pretty – I’m quite simple, guys.

The other morning, I found myself in a park drinking champagne and kinda forgot I was scheduled to donate blood that afternoon.  I was like, this is fine, right?  I feel fine.  Not known for my stellar decision making, so there’s also that.  For a girl who was put in a straightjacket for stitches as a child, I’ve come a long way with my phobia.  I voluntarily signed up to be stabbed with a needle and give a pint of myself away.  And if you ever think your life is out of control or you’re making bad decisions, go donate blood because the questions they ask you will really make you feel like an outstanding citizen of the world.  And then they ask you twice.  They’re like, between now and the first time you answered, have you engaged in any sexual activity or drug use – and it’s like, I just answered this FIVE minutes ago!  What kind of I Dream of Jeannie, Nightcrawler powers do you think I have?  And you know these questions exist for a reason.   Someone out there is responsible for this cross examination – and wherever you are, (I’m giving a look over my glasses) get it together.

I was with a friend the other day in the midst of one of those really comfortable silences you can only have with people you love when I burst out, “I mean, does anybody even really know me?”  I think about that a lot.  I’m what I call a drifter.  A diehard wanderer.  I have my favorites, of course, but I am fortunate enough to have lots of open arms at my approach.  That’s where the socialite inside of me pops out like a wild champagne cork.  She is fun, don’t get me wrong, but she is exhausting.  Let’s not forget, I don’t even like most people.  They’re either excruciatingly mundane, exhaustingly shallow or an enraging amount of in love with themselves…sometimes all three – a rip roaring combo of an awful time.  I’m a full time introvert, part time extrovert.  I feel so much, possibly too much.  Social interaction depletes me and then I have to retire to my batcave to recharge like the human Tesla I am.  So anyways, my friend just bursts out laughing and I kept on, “What if I’m not who you think I am and was really working for the CIA on a secret ops mission this whole time?” to which the response was, ‘wouldn’t even surprise me a little.’  And I suppose like any good superhero, I should be a bit of an enigma but then I wonder what that really says about me.  If I leave little pieces of me everywhere I go, am I ever my full self?  Have I mentioned I’m an overthinker?…I should probably go to bed.

I’ve had a bit of an epiphany of sorts these past few weeks.  I tend to be really hard on myself.  Occasionally downright mean.  I’ve had to do a lot of retraining of my mind with negative thoughts and an entire renovation when it comes to body image.  It is not easy – nor will it ever be – but I believe it can be easIER when you surround yourself with the right people.  I think I wasted a lot of time with people who dragged me down.  I don’t ever like to say I’ve had regret but – let’s be honest – there are some garbage people out there.  We’ve all met one, dated one, “hung out” with one, married one.  I was on date #3 with a guy when he saw a pack of cigarettes in my purse and lost his mind, “You’re not that fucking stupid are you?!”  Verbatim.  Let’s unpack this.  First of all, I was a definite social smoker off and on for years.  Was it a healthy, wise choice?  No, but neither is drinking or eating queso.  So he wasn’t necessarily wrong but his delivery could have used some revisions.  So I made a beeline for the nearest exit, cause no thank you, and he proceeded to say something along the lines of ‘this is why none of your past relationships worked out because you run away from the conversation’.  Date #3, people!  MINEFIELD of crimson.  And then I actually entertained further conversation, which didn’t get any better by the way, when I should have just left because he was obviously a sociopath.  This might seem irrelevant, but he was also a Steelers fan – just saying.

We have all held on longer than we should have.  As if we were happy with something over nothing.  We convince ourselves we’re ok when we aren’t in an effort not to come off as ‘needy’ or ‘difficult’.  Which brings me back to giving blood.  Wait for it – this merger is gonna really knock your socks off (I’m 80).  Huzzah!  So my blood type is O+.  I am a universal donor, which means I can give and give and give….to anyone…anytime.  However, I can only receive from O + or – blood types.  My life tends to mimic this pattern because I was told expectation is the root of all heartache.  So I’ve become very good at pushing mine to the wayside and taking what’s given because I’m scared to ask for more or even think about more because wanting means having something to lose…and the truth of it is, I don’t want to lose anymore than I already have.  Which is a ridiculous notion because that’s not how life works – not if you’re doing it right.   So, I’m still learning that my feelings are valid and that it’s okay to voice them, even if it shakes up the status quo,even if it ruffles some feathers, even if it hurts.

So try and love yourself a little harder today.  When people show you who they are, believe them.  Find the people who really see you and make you feel like the marvelous human you are.  The friends who make you shine a little brighter.  The lovers that make your heart shiver.  Seek the kind of love you think your best friend deserves.  Be selective about who is handling your heart.   Don’t settle for mediocrity, unlike my neighbor.  She doesn’t bang often (that’s a lie) but when she does, it’s when I’m writing this blog.  Tonight it’s a lotta door slamming and Maneater is playing at FULL BLAST.  And it doesn’t even sound like fun sex – it sounds like the kind of sex guys have when they have no idea it involves two people.  I’m seriously leaning towards the idea that she might be a hooker.  I think she’s been sent to Earth for my demise.  Not that hookers are my demise – no judgement – just that the way in which she hooks tends to disrupt the speck of peace I have left in this life.  This just in – I am 90% sure I’m sitting beneath a gang bang.  In the middle of a pandemic.  I think the blood donor questionnaire might be her fault.