Ahhh, yes, the time of year when everyone rages about Columbus and tells you if you don’t vote a certain way, you don’t love them while everyone else threatens to leave the country – it’s the most wonderful time of the year! Since I’m not sure when I’ll ever be able to use my passport again, if we could fast forward to the Summer Olympics, I’d be forever grateful – it’s the only international experience I can count on at this rate. So let’s speed it up, shall we? Meanwhile, I’ll just be over here getting excited about things like 7 o’clock (when Jeopardy starts…cause I’m 82), going to Home Depot for DIY shelf supplies, reading books about dragons and watching the new season of The Bachelorette cause omg this woman makes me feel like I might actually have my shit together. Like, I’m THE MOST fine. However if she says one more thing about ‘showing up’, I will throw an empty bottle of wine directly at my television. There’s a drinking game for next week. So yeah, I’m basically a housewife in midlife crisis mode without the marriage, divorce, house or children to show for it. A shamble of a human. Also cooking when not wearing pants – don’t recommend it. Ouch.
I was going for lunch and I put on eyeliner and hoops just to feel cute ya know? They’ve been neglected and I thought I’m going to be out in the wild, maybe I should put a little effort in and try not to look like I clawed my way from the core of the Earth. Who knows? Maybe I’ll pick up a husband while I’m out there – it’s 2020, who cares!? Are we even alive? So I’m trying to look like I don’t want to die alone – glossed up my lips and everything. Stared in the mirror for 2 whole minutes, convinced myself I looked like a hooker – the street kind, not a fancy one – and took it all off. So that was a fun moment for me – realizing that I am so used to seeing myself with nothing that now anything makes me feel like Pennywise. Just wonderful. So low maintenance plain-jen it is. Not that I was ever high maintenance, but it does take away some classic excuses such as ‘I’ll never be ready in time’. I did feel the need to announce that the effort was there so when you see me and think to yourself, ‘wow, she’s really let herself go’, you know it was a choice.
I’m 90% finished with The Purge. Tried to sell some things and was told it was all worth $25. Not gonna lie, it was a bit deflating – especially considering the news came from a girl with a bull ring who looked like she picked her outfit from a trash bin in an alley ’cause she was running late to work. So I lugged my 25 dollars worth of existence over to GoodWill. Adios. In with the new! I’m making space for myself. At the end of the day, I’m pretty simple. I just want to read books, write, spend time with the people I love, listen to music and wander the Earth from sunrise to sunset. I want to build a fort and watch movies until I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. I want to spend an entire day in bed and disappear into the sheets like the world around me has fallen to dust. I want to sit on the hillside over a small town in the fog until the clouds envelop me entirely. I want to stare at the sky until I fade away into the blue and become a star in a constellation yet unknown. I want to matter. I want someone forty years from now to think something I did was extraordinary. I want to tear down the institute we call government. I want to build relationships in a world that cares about empires. I’d also like to not worry about money or have to pay taxes ever again. And I’d really love it if these forehead wrinkles would work themselves out. And if someone wants to give me a car, I wouldn’t be mad about it. Just putting it in the universe you know?
I know we’re all having ups and downs at rapid speed lately, but this too shall pass. Think of everything we’ve been through. Remember phones from the 80s? You’d wrap the cord around as many walls as you could to talk to your friend from under a dining room table just for a tiny bit of privacy. Remember when girls used to put jewels in their hair so it would look like diamonds floating around their head? Remember when we thread feathers into our hair? Remember when crimps made a comeback? Remember jnco jeans? Remember when we wore t shirts underneath our tank tops? WHAT WERE WE EVEN DOING?? I think about the trends that I’ve lived through and they’re equally appalling and embarrassing. And let’s not forget the tramp stamp I almost got (phew) or the toe ring that’s just a part of who I am now. That’s what I have to live with. A toe ring till I die. Going to the grave with me.
And while we’re on a morbid note – I don’t want a casket. WAY too expensive. I’m talking many, many trips expensive. Just bury me in the ground as is. Honestly, whoever started the funeral industry is one of the most business savvy, dark & twisty individuals to ever exist. The fact that we have to PAY to discard of dead bodies is preposterous. Why would we pay for something to bury in the ground and never see again?? It’s like we’re being charged for loving someone. It’s a guaranteed business plan. Let me be very clear, I don’t want anyone paying more than 10 cents to dispose of my body. I’m not trying to say I’m trash – but as a dead person – a little bit, maybe. Right? I’m gone. Save your money. Toss me in the ocean, feed the whales and have yourselves a nice little Tahitian getaway. Donate my body to science. Whatever is cheap and feasible. I don’t want a headstone, I don’t want to sit in a vase on your mantle. Just snip off some hair and throw me around all my favorite places that way – or just stand outside your front door and let me drift off like the feather in the wind I always have been. That escalated quickly, huh?
It would be nice to get through a single week without having a meltdown. This week was in the Target parking lot and I still can’t tell you what it was about because I have no idea. I’m just at the ‘you will cry everyday’ portion of quarantine. It’s like what are you going to do tomorrow? I don’t know. Probably work out, cry some more, make dinner – the usual. But it doesn’t even matter because EVERYONE is crying. You’re crying, I’m crying, he’s crying, she’s crying – cause we’re all trapped and just trying to get through the day without another catastrophe. We’re going to get through this. I promise. Anything is possible. I recently discovered Christmas music I actually like. Don’t ask why I’m listening to Christmas music in October, just READ THAT SENTENCE AGAIN. My mind went total confetti. I am still in shock. This wasn’t really something I ever expected or believed in – my point being that there’s still hope for miracles and better days. I feel very stuck and mundane lately. I’m planning my escape out of America and the second things are good, I’m outta here. I’m talking a secluded island, tanlines, all the cocktails and sunsets that’ll make you believe in magic RAPIDO. Yes please. That’s the light at the end of my tunnel. Figure out what yours is and keep going. We’ll get there. From one of my favorite Goo Goo Dolls songs Better Days, ‘Tonight’s the night the world begins again…’ Sending hugs Xx