Honestly, how is it Thursday again? The Bengals already lost again? I can’t even remember what I did yesterday. Who’s on First? What happened to Monday and where are my pants? You ever wonder if you’re really just an avatar and someone out there is severely disappointed in your performance? Are we the topics of some other galaxy’s conversations at the dinner table? ‘Well, did you see what she did this week?’ ‘Oh, I know right? She makes me feel better about my life’ Which I sincerely hope I do – and not in a sad, wrecking ball sort of way but in a relatable ‘yeah I feel that way sometimes too’ type of way. Are there videos of me going viral that I don’t know about? Is this some kind of modern day Colosseum gladiator game? At what point do I start clapping and say ‘very funny, people, good game. You can all come out now.’ I feel like Dorothy when she gets to Oz and all of a sudden a woman with a wand materializes from a bubble and starts singing ‘Come out, come out, wherever you are!’ Which now begs the question – when do I get to meet the Wizard??
We’re at the final turn of 2020 and I think we could all use a little pick me up, so let’s discuss things that happen in FLORIDA. Florida ALWAYS cheers me up. Florida is the sibling that makes your arrest look like a normal Friday afternoon. Florida is the friend whose parents were never home and your parents never approved of. Florida saw how Italy handled COVID and said, ‘hold my beer’. A woman was recently pulled over and found with cocaine in her purse. She told the policeman that she didn’t know anything about cocaine and that it was a really windy day and must have flown in through the window and into her purse. I have so many follow-up questions for this woman. Another woman was arrested after placing plastic easter eggs full of porn, fish-shaped crackers and toilet paper in over 400 mailboxes. Just the effort alone – even in assembly – WOW. Wonder how much stock she has left? We got guys throwing gators through Wendy’s drive-thru windows, people using private planes to draw giant radar penises in the sky and siblings getting stabbed over mac and cheese. Florida, you stay crazy girl.
Another “presidential” debate tonight and YOU BETCHA, I’m watching. It’s the superbowl of politics, starring Dumb & Dumber as QBs. Got my snacks and wine (plural) all ready to go. My friend asked why I even bother and it’s like – um, did you see the last one?! It’s the best new comedy of the season – I couldn’t write this shit! Who knows what’ll happen. I wouldn’t be surprised if after they turn Trump’s mic off, he pulls out a megaphone. I can’t wait to watch them both not answer a single question they’re asked. NOTHING is accomplished during these debates beyond solidifying the fact that our country is in extreme DURESS. If there were an Extreme Makeover : Country Edition, this is the tape you would send in with the application. And on that note, I filled out my ballot and it took me FOUR HOURS. I studied each candidate – I looked at their websites, their instagram pages, all of it. Can I just say that judges’ verdict records should be EASILY ACCESSIBLE?? I shouldn’t have to be Lisbeth Salander to find public case records. SHOW YOURSELF! I dug into every proposition which may as well be written in hieroglyphics. Can a non-partisan person just break it down in layman’s terms so I can understand exactly whose life I’m ruining by voting one way or another? Remember four years ago when we had to vote on whether porn stars should have to use condoms or not? Why can’t things be easy like they used to? (sigh)…the good old days…
Been watching a lot of game shows lately. There really isn’t anything better than the tone Alex Trebek takes when none of the contestants can come up with an answer. And he raises his brows so passive aggressively that while he’s saying the answer all you can hear is ‘you idiots’. He’s so stoically condescending and I LOVE IT. I’ve also been taking a lot of naps, so I should probably start looking into retirement homes – I’m already doing all the things. Soap operas, game shows, crafts and puzzles?? Uh, sign me up please. All I have to do is start eating dinner before 6 and I’m a shoe in. When did I get so old? You know how some people grow more attractive with age? Is that what’s going on with me or am I reverse Benjamin Button-ing? Am I Britney Spears-ing? Which – sidebar – WTF is going on over there? Talk about a tiger in a cage, it’s extremely hard to watch and I just want python-holding Britney back and I think she’s gone forever and that makes me really sad. #freebritney is a very real thing – end sidebar. I can’t compete with (or afford) all the botox going on here but am I at least a Monet to their Picasso? Is all the wine I drink worth the wrinkles? I rest my case. Slams the gavel.
They say the greatest fear in life is the unknown so it’s no surprise we’re all feeling on edge, a little restless and anxiety ridden. Everything is TBD. As spontaneous and anti-planning as I have a tendency to be, I’M even getting a fair amount of nuts over here. A little joy, a bit of love, a lotta laughter is what we all need right now. We need to dance. We need to be kinder to one another but especially ourselves. Take bigger breaths. Be gentle with yourselves. Grab some booze and let loose will ya? If you don’t drink, go nuts in the candy aisle or go crazy and have a soda at 2 in the morning like I did the other day (a horrible idea that I do not recommend). Calm it all down and relax. If nothing else, be grateful you don’t live in Florida. If you live in Florida, be glad you don’t live in Kabul. Find what makes your heart smile or you’re going to end up driving yourself into an inescapable state of bonkers and I think I speak for all of us when I say we’ve had quite enough of that. Believe that better is around the bend. Just remember you weren’t stabbed over mac and cheese and you didn’t get an alligator thrown at you today. I call that a win. Keep your head up or you’ll miss the sparkles…they’re out there Xx