Unimaginable

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas and yet this year continues to surprise me on a catastrophic level. Today I worked out with a handle of vodka and a magnum bottle of wine. When in Rome, right? Or Indy. Whatever. I tried watching Jeopardy! while working out and just some advice, don’t. Not a great combo. Back to Virgin River which is total garbage television and I’m here for it. This year has gotten to the point where going outside for any reason is AN EVENT!!! It’s like LOOK AT ME GETTING MAIL FROM THE MAILBOX!!! I put on mascara for this! Check me out! I’m going to Target later this afternoon and I might put on a dress, who knows. If you’re looking for fun things to do while stuck at home and want to watch someone with OCD have a meltdown, I suggest building a gingerbread house. I am not type A and almost smashed the whole thing to smithereens due to a shotty piping job. Also to note, my nephew took it upon himself to build a cemetery in the backyard with Kit Kats…FUN!!

So something you most certainly don’t notice but effects me colossally as a writer is the new motion that there should only be ONE space in between sentences instead of the ingrained two. Cause these are the things we should be focusing on in 2020. (insert sarcastic font here) If you had any idea how much this stresses me out – it’s like relearning how to blink. Double tapping is instinctual and now I have to retrain my brain because somebody in Silicon eat-a-bag-of-shit Valley decided one tap is quite enough. I just did it. Ugh. Are these really the things we should be changing at this point in our lives? Are there not way more important things that need a revolution? Does anybody even care?! I’ve never read anything and been like, ‘you know, that would have been amazing but the double spacing is just…so 1992.’ The world is in the midst of a PANDEMIC but yes, let’s concentrate on spacing! Priorities! Yeah!

I am warning you. What I am about to say is going to be very upsetting to many if not all of you. Another unpopular opinion by J Kodros who is honest if nothing else. So I finally bit the bullet and watched Hamilton because the chances of me getting to see it live anytime soon are depressingly slim – ugh how I miss live theatre. Uhhhh…THIS is what all of the fuss is about? I could care less about any of these people. Hamilton was hardly likable. The music was barely memorable. When it was announced it was only intermission, I could have cried. If only the first assassination attempt would have been successful. I would have turned it off entirely if it weren’t for King George who was, by a landslide, the best part of the entire show despite the amount of saliva flying from his mouth. (bless you Jonathan Groff) I felt Lin Manuel’s performance was the weakest of the bunch and I am just…perplexed? He brought rap to Broadway or “hip-hopera” as they call it, and everyone’s just like – oh! never heard anything like that before! THIS IS AMAZING!!!! Huh? Maybe it got put on a pedestal? Maybe I heard too much hype? Maybe I need to see it live? – although I don’t think I can honestly sit through that again…sober…or ever. I feel like this is the Pearl Jam of musicals for me now, the avocado of foods – everyone loves it and I’m like…but why? People LIKING this is unimaginable to me. Conclusion: your girl was not impressed. (And before anyone flips out, I realize that song is about grieving the loss of a child which is heartbreaking and awful and something no one should ever have to experience so please don’t deem me as heartless. I am far from it. Which I know I shouldn’t have to point out cause you all, mostly, know me but after the Grogo, formerly known as Baby Yoda, fiasco, I feel it’s necessary to provide disclaimers for the bubble wrapped patrons of the world…looking at you LINDA)

I went with my brother’s fiancé to FedEx and forgot my mask, which is a terrible feeling when you’re out and about and ready to waltz around in a store for no other reason but the fact that you can and you put on a bra for this. So I stayed in the car and as she was getting back in I thought to myself, ‘I don’t think that’s what she was wearing’ and then a man looked at me mid-sentence of asking how it went and I started screaming. I wasn’t sure if I was about to be a part of a heist or if this was some midwestern scam I wasn’t privy to or if I was being pulled into a national news car chase. A MILLION thoughts went through my head. But then he started screaming too which gave me immediate relief knowing he was just as shocked as I was and not kindapping me. Lock your doors, people. The general public is straight up losing it. To all of this my brother said, “I hope you two never get kidnapped but if you do, I hope you’re together.” (pondering this statement in silence) Thank you?

I know I’m getting old because while watching movies/tv, I start thinking too hard about logistics of things. Like you start thinking about the poor maids who had to clean The Hangover hotel room with a LIVING TIGER in the bathroom. Why don’t these people ever have jobs? Buffy wasn’t even 18 when she started dating Angel – was that legal? Does he bypass the whole age thing cause he’s a vampire? How do these people in NYC have such huge apartments with crap internships? People just throwing and smashing their cell phones left and right – like who has the money for that? I’d throw it and then have to swim out to sea like JUST KIDDING, come back! And then I’d have to put it in a bowl of rice for 48 hours because mama can’t afford to be buying new phones every time I have an emotional reaction to something and because that’s REALISTIC. I watched a movie the other day and this guy brought this girl back to his apartment and there were candles lit everywhere and it’s like – WTF lit those? Were they just aflame throughout the entire dinner? That’s quite the fire hazard, sir! On another show, this couple walked into a cabin and started going at it. Fast forward to the classic post-coitis, heavy breathing, stare at the ceiling shot and there’s a crackling fire in the background and I’m like – uhhhhh, exactly when did who build a fire? These are the things that go on in my head and I NEED ANSWERS!!

We’ve got one more month of this year and I gotta say I am ready for 2021 with open arms, binoculars and a countdown of NASA proportions. Not that it’s really going to change anything but symbolically I think it’ll be good for society. That whole ‘new year, new me’ mentality which I typically find to be a dumpster fire theory but after this year, sure, I’ll take what I can get. For a change this holiday, my mom had us all set up virtual Christmas lists which are fun in theory but then it’s like – where’s the surprise? The magic? So I’ve kept things interesting by putting items like dream cars (1979 International Scout or Ford Bronco please), vacations and Jason Momoa on my list. Hey if cousin Eddie shows up with Jason wrapped in a pretty red bow – NOT mad about it. Why not, right? Honestly, all I want for Christmas this year is an endless supply of champagne and to be surrounded by the people I love and trust. And like maybe a dude who looks exactly like Jason Momoa but isn’t married you know? Hey, it’s the time of perpetual hope, right? Love you all – smooches. xx

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