Detained

A friend sent me a video of Christina Aguilera singing the part in Genie in a Bottle ‘I feel like I’ve been locked up tight for a century of lonely nights’ on repeat and I’ve never felt more heard. And if this isn’t the cherry on top of the WHO MADE THIS AND WHAT THE HELL IS IN IT cake, Mario Lopez has been announced to portray a sexy, I repeat, SEXY Colonel Sanders in a Lifetime mini series. I’m going to give you a moment to soak that in. And when you’ve come to terms with that, brace yourself, because the title is Recipe for Seduction…and I’m officially dead. 2020 is so drunk on Midori and Goldschlager, I can’t even keep up. Only three weeks left till we get to countdown this Shakespearean tragedy goodbye. While the NYE kiss is probably and most definitely frowned upon this year, I do not care. I’m kissing everybody. I’ll kiss a stranger walking down the street. This is some ding-dong-the-witch-is-dead shit. I feel like I just survived Jurassic Park. I plan on celebrating hard. Granted the circumstances, this probably means I’ll be going home with a cheese board and a bottle of wine but I am very much looking forward to saying so long to 2020 and I plan on libate-ing my ass off about it. How do I not have an advent calendar made of wine bottles? I was obviously the target consumer, so the fact that I don’t have one is just a real slice to the heart.

I have a very serious question that requires a serious answer. Why does the McRib at McDonald’s still exist? I need someone to explain this to me in a way that I can understand. Who is responsible for this? Who eats that crap? It’s along the same lines as the shamrock shake – show yourselves! I realize I’m throwing bows as an advocate of pineapple pizza but they aren’t even real ribs! It’s on some White Castle level of meat. And furthermore, if it’s such a hot item, why isn’t it on the menu ALL YEAR long? hmmmmm? Is this a marketing strategy? Is it some unicorn meat that has a one month shelf life because it’s made of lies and regret? Is this like ramps only being good like two weeks out of the year? Does anyone reading this even know what a ramp is? Get involved if you don’t – it’s one of my favorite foods. Of course it is – it’s unattainable for 50 weeks of the year so naturally I’m obsessed with it. An absolute glutton for punishment, truly. Dieting is always a hot topic around this time of year. If you find yourself struggling, get a dog. Everytime I opened the fridge at my brother’s, his dog would appear out of thin air, no matter what time it was, staring at me with her hungry little eyes straight up food-shaming me. Every.Single.Time.

In other news, an ex-Bengals player who spent more time in jail than on the field was arrested in Vegas this past weekend for beating up a security guard at the Cosmo because he couldn’t find the Secret Pizza. Reread that sentence. Let me explain something for those of you who have not been to the Cosmo. There is a Secret Pizza but there is no “secret” pizza. There’s a place called Secret Pizza but it is not a secret. Everybody knows about it. It’s a hot spot. I will say it is down a very long hallway…but there is a sign with an arrow that says ‘PIZZA’…which even I have found blacked out in the wee hours of the night. The fact that a 250 pound man beat another grown man about not being able to find pizza in Vegas is MINDBLOWING. Could he also not find a casino? That’s like telling me you can’t find weed in Amsterdam. Exactly how drunk are you, sir? So to you, Vontaze I’m-a-dum-dum Burfict – and this is coming from a woman who takes her pizza VERY seriously – I hope you choke on your next piece of pie you 30 year old spoiled disgusting garbage fire of a child. Unreal.

With all this time I’ve spent thinking over this and that, I have changed my gauge of post-life success. It will be when I’ve inspired a Jeopardy! question. I’ve been watching religiously, with much less support in the midwest might I add, and Taylor Swift was an answer and I thought to myself – I want that. I want someone to have to say, ‘Who is J. Kodros’ – and yeah, they’d probably mispronounce it and make a huge mess of it but I don’t even care and that’s not the point. Also, if you think you’re so great you need to correct people’s pronunciations of your last name, maybe get over yourself. I stopped doing it ages ago because beyond the fact that no one cares, it doesn’t matter either. All it does it make the other person feel bad for getting it wrong and I don’t think anyone needs to feel bad about not being able to say a Greek word correctly. Now if someone asks, I’ll oblige but I’m not gonna barge into someone’s sentence and be like – excuse me!! You can’t move on with your life until you know how my last name really sounds cause this is the stuff dreams are made of and won’t you feel like a scholar when you’ve got it right? There are way more important things going on in people’s lives. I’ve got people who call me Kudos after the chocolate bars from way back when. I care not. Choose your battles.

I’ve mentioned this several times but I’ve been feeling pretty stir-crazy lately. I’m getting wiley over here. I’m writing more than ever. I’m working out everyday. I’ve watched everything there is to watch. EVERYTHING. I need something new. I need something to look forward to. I need a voyage. I need an underground gathering. I need a plane ticket to somewhere I’ve never been before. I need a long hug. I need a surprise. I need something. I’ve had a lot of time to think lately. Some might say too much time…and I’d probably have to agree. My mind has the power to take me to a lot of places that don’t exist. Which can be magical and epic at times. It can also go a bit Grimm’s FairyTale from time to time – and this isn’t worrisome, it’s just that I’m human. If I only dreamt of sugar plums and gumdrops, THAT is psychotic and should cause concern. I’m a Kylo Ren…but with more of his parents’ characteristics. That was a terrible example. Scratch that. I’m just saying my thoughts cover all ends of the spectrum and you lucky people get a front row seat to the dramedy that lives inside of me…FOR FREE. (you are most welcome)

I was talking to a friend last night and she said to keep reminding myself that we won’t be given this time again. This is the universe telling us it’s okay to relax and take the time to try to focus on the stuff I’ll miss when it’s gone. And she’s right (she always is). There will be a time when I’m going from one thing to the next and I’ll be wishing I had nowhere to go so I’ll have to keep my dreams of blue lagoons, Northern Lights, castles, Greek Isles, villas and plunge pools at bay for now. Life is a true tumbleweed she is – I can’t imagine what she’ll throw my way next. If nothing else I hope I make all of you feel a little more sane, a little more heard and a little more okay. I don’t know about you but I’ll be staying up tonight for T Swift’s new album release at midnight and CAN NOT WAIT because it’s the most exciting thing that’s happened since her last album came out…Cheers, virtual hugs & bubbles Xx