Too Much

A year into this thing and it’s starting to feel like that one roadtrip to Florida when we were “almost there” for what felt like a quarter of my life. Don’t worry, by June we’ll be in the -insert whatever color you want here- tier. OH WILL WE MARGO?! Don’t you dare get my hopes up just to smash them into bits like I don’t already deal with that on a day to day basis – it’s called dating. Who makes these color codes? A kindergarten class from Jersey via zoom? I feel like no one really knows anything. Is the CDC run by meteorologists? It’s probably going to rain, might not, there could be an earthquake but there’s also a tiny chance of meatballs, there could be a new storm we’ve never seen touch U.S. soil but you WILL see sun again at some point before you die! Good luck out there – bring an umbrella! All said with pointy gun fingers at the end. Thanks for THAT. Phew. Give me something to believe in people! Send me a save-the-date for when all of this a distant memory and we can do all the things because right now it feels like that friend who’s never on time and is forever ‘on her way’ but really still in the bathroom with half a shirt on trying to decide which of her 25 pairs of same shade jeans to wear. I had a single gray eyebrow hair before the pandemic and now I look like the old lady from Titanic.

I was one of the 16 people who watched the Grammys. Extremely educational. Fun fact – there’s a Lil Baby, Da Baby and a Bad Bunny. I’ve never understood the difference between Best Record and Best Album, so I looked it up. Record is for a single track on the album. So then wtf is Best Song? I quit. I certainly did not expect to see WAP performed on live primetime television…but it tracks for the year we’ve had. They were like – that song means what? And then someone skimmed the lyrics and said- whatever, who even cares anymore. At one point I yelled, ‘Why do I know everyone’s anatomy right now???’ So it’s official, I’m an old crotchety woman hollering about women bouncing around in their underwear. And if you weren’t sure whether or not we’re on the brink of an apocalypse, Kanye won a Grammy for Best Contemporary Christian album. The same guy who sings lyrics like ‘second class bitches wouldn’t let me on first base’ and ‘Eatin’ Asian p—y, all I need was sweet and sour sauce’. And those aren’t even the worst. I should also mention he won this award after posting a video of himself peeing on one of his Grammys he put in a toilet. At this time, I just want to remind everyone that this man could have been our president. He is also in the midst of two lawsuits revolving around his Christian opera and Sunday services for mistreatment of the crew. This isn’t a religious awakening, it’s just another step in his quest to be master of the universe because NOBODY loves Kanye more than Kanye who is now worth $6.6 BILLION. In part because of his Yeezy line with Adidas but mostly because of his divorce from Kim Kardashian…who is apparently in law school? And my mind just melted.

I recently watched In & Of Itself on Hulu. If you have not watched yet, I recommend you do that STAT. Like, right now. It’s an hour and a half of your time. Go. It begs the question ‘Who am I?’ It digs in deep. Do we really know ourselves? Are we who we think we are? Or have we let other people decide for us? In a combination of theatre, magic and brilliant storytelling, I found myself staring at the ceiling afterwards with tears rolling down my face. It was a very cathartic experience. I even called my friend and was like – WHY AM I CRYING?!?! I mean, I cry a lot, that’s nothing new. We know dis. I’ve come to the conclusion that I just really miss live theatre. The sounds of the audience before the lights dim. The orchestra tuning their instruments. The anticipation of the curtain rising. Escaping for a few hours into another time of its own with a bunch of strangers. It hit me hard how much I miss it. I ache for it. There’s an intimacy to it that TV & film can’t capture. There’s nothing else like it. This past year I’ve had to watch everything happen from afar and I didn’t realize how much my soul was dying of thirst. I crave art. I’m an immersive person. I need that closeness, that feeling that I’m a part of something, that buzz of experiencing something alongside a group of strangers, who all of a sudden feel a little less strange.

I probably should have come to this conclusion months ago, but I figured with all the shows I’ve been watching and music I’d been listening to, I was satiating that need. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I need to be consumed. I want to breathe in the same space as wall lined canvases. I want my heart to pound in time with the base. I need to feel the energy of words being brought to life. I don’t want the second hand version of anything. I need to feel all the things for myself. I am and always have been a sensitive soul. I walk this Earth with a load of feelings on my shoulders and I used to think it was a curse to feel everything so deeply. Now I find it rather poetic. My vulnerability and expression of emotion don’t make me weak. They make me who I am. I don’t know anything else. Every sigh, every letter, every pause, every look, every gesture, every hesitance – it goes straight to my heart. You need to understand that about me. I don’t say things just to say them. I’m intentional. A lot of people associate me with being too much. Loving too much. Hurting too much. I’ll take that over not enough any day. I’m an extremist. I’ll be too much until I’m nothing at all.

All kinds of fun revelations this week. I feel like I learn something new about myself every day. Hope you’re figuring out ways to keep things fresh and fun. I was gifted a bunch of plants last week and am just praying they all make it to next week alive. Does anyone know how to care for a bamboo? What do I even do with this thing? It’s supposed to bring me luck, so if this thing dies, the symbolism alone is going to give me major anxiety. Is there a baby panda I can adopt so he can eat the bamboo? If I’m allergic to dogs, will I also be allergic to pandas? I have questions. I am also delirious as I feel like I haven’t slept. I am in this fun cycle of life, where I either sleep for 9 hours or not at all. Maybe I am a vampire after all. Last night, I was sleeping just fine until a dog in my complex started howling at 6am and by the time he/she/it stopped, my neighbor decided to start playing Bittersweet Symphony on loop, which is still going strong in case you’re curious. Keep swimming Xx

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