I have heard more thunder in LA in the last 24 hours than all my years living here combined and I’ve never felt more alive. I love a storm. There’s something magical about it – like the universe has let out a sigh. It’s a weather cuddle really – which is all I’ve ever wanted. Thunderstorms and cuddles. Yes, please. I’ve also heard more about sexualized Looney Toons in the last 24 hours than I EVER needed to hear. Cartoons are being cancelled, the Royal Family is being cancelled, EVERYONE IS GETTING CANCELLED!!!!!! – I really hope you read that in the voice of
Oprah. What will society decide is inappropriate next?? Will apple pie be cancelled because of Jason Bigg? I mean, what is the world going to do when they find out Jon Hamm dropped out of college after lighting someone on fire? It was a frat hazing incident, charges were dropped but there’s a guy somewhere out there and every time he watches Bridesmaids is like – that guy lit me on fire. We all have our past. I was hazed in college. I wasn’t lit on fire but I was thrown into a closet with a bottle of Captain Morgan’s and told I couldn’t come out until it was gone. When I did finally come out I was thrown into a baby pool and…aaaaand then I woke up the next day. So in theory, I could have been lit on fire. (shrugs) I’ll never know. I’m very mysterious.
In true pandemic fashion, big things went down this week…straight into the rabbit hole. Ah, I hate myself for that but I don’t do puns often so it stays. I really did not think Lola Bunny was ever going to make headlines again but then 2021 was like – hold my Capri-Sun. In an effort to tone down her sexuality in the second installment of Space Jam, WB and creators decided to give her a regular sized jersey and throw on some compression shorts – voila! And then the world went nuts. They hate, they love it, older men are just sad. Cartoonists were like – what WON’T turn people on? And apparently it’s a hidden midriff, skin-tight shorts UNDER other shorts, thankles and a flat(ter) chest. This is what’s called progress, people. I’d love to see the runner-up outfits. Old Lola Bunny has now been shamed like some girl who wore spaghetti straps to school. RIP. And here we are again, the internet going wild over a fictitious character and their sexuality. It’s all just getting a little out of hand for me, personally. Potatoes and Bunnies. If this isn’t a sign the world needs to get cranking again, I don’t know what is. Call me crazy, but I think there are more important things that need our attention – like healthcare and our water system. But yes, let’s scream at each other about a cartoon bunny’s crop top. What’s next? Jessica Rabbit in a mumu?
In other deaths this week, Pepe’ Le Pew, introduced in 1945, has been cancelled and in the words of a social media post my brother forwarded me “thank god my son is safe. Now he can get back to playing Grand Theft Auto where he just set a hooker on fire so he wouldn’t have to pay her.” This is America. I imagine Lumière from Beauty and the Beast and the priest from The Little Mermaid are on deck. Apparently there’s a computer in Brave Little Toaster that has on orgasm?? I mean at this point, it would not surprise me in the slightest if the mermaids of Neverland are edited out and deemed a ‘brothel of the sea’. There’s even speak of Homer Simpson being cancelled for perpetuating ‘child abuse culture.’ The memorium at this year’s Oscars better pay homage to all of these characters and it better be to the tune of Baby it’s Cold Outside. Where does it end? Where do we draw the line? Is there a year? Do we have a cutoff date? An over-under? We doing this on a bell curve? What are we doing exactly? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with depicting and holding on to progress. There’s a difference between who we were and who we are. I’m not who I was 10 years ago – I’m not who I was yesterday. Can’t we find the lesson in any of this and offer the opportunity for redemption? Cause if not, at this point, fuck it, let’s cancel dolphins. They rape. #fact
And speaking of rabbit holes, Alice and Wonderland is based entirely on drugs. We all know this right? If anyone is shocked right now, go to bed. Shall we give the caterpillar a kazoo instead? Scooby Doo? It’s a bunch of kids who travel around in a floral decorated van which smoke is always billowing out of and solve mysteries with a giant talking dog – you do the math. Grease is a male sex fantasy. Let me tell you about a little road trip that happened back in 1990 (ish). My brothers and I would play a game where you had to quote a movie and then they’d guess which movie it was from. It was my turn. I yelled, “What do you think this is, a gangbang!?” I was 10 tops. My mom turned around and goes, “What did you just say?” I yelled it again, cause why wouldn’t I? She told me not to ever say that again and we all looked at eachother confused because we had no idea what was wrong about it and she also KILLED the mood in the car which turned to silence for about 30 miles. There are things that go over kids’ heads that they don’t see the way adults do. I had no clue Sandy slammed the car door into Danny’s boner. I did not know what was going on with Rizzo. There are things we become more aware of as we get older. No Princess today could live in a studio with 7 other men and not raise some red flags. Is Belle normalizing Stockholm Syndrome? Let’s delete all the movies in which the woman is rescued by a man. And let’s not stop there. Barbie’s proportions. Wrestling culture. Hula Dancers. Crop tops. In the words of N’SYNC bye, bye, bye.
And this is going to be an unpopular opinion but DOES Justin Timberlake owe Britney an apology because of his music video?? I’m not even a fan but he only did what Taylor Swift’s entire career is made of. Am I wrong? I think the real problem is the media. Name a man who has been chastised for fooling around. Whose career has been long-term affected by it. You can’t…because when the roles are reversed the women are whores and the men are just “being dudes”. I don’t see anyone giving John Mayer a hard time for cheating on…everyone. No one gave Brad Pitt any shit. It became ‘why’s Jen single’ (?!?!) If I could take a bat to a TV right now, I would. So there’s this gray area and that’s what I have a problem with. The picking and choosing of what or who is ok and what or who is not. Should Roosevelt be erased from history for being the tiny Hitler he was with his Japanese-American concentration camps? Are Woody Allen films going to be banned? Will R. Kelly’s ‘Ignition‘ ever be played in a club again? Will we ever BE in clubs again? I can’t hear a Michael Jackson song without thinking about pedophilia. I just can’t. And then you throw ‘Beat It‘ into the mix and it takes on a whole new meaning and sorta makes me wanna throw up. But his music is iconic. And if we start tracing the funding for projects and festivals and campaigns and on and on and on… I mean, I don’t even think the Bible would make the cut.
And on the note of Princes and Princesses…oh come on, you all knew this was coming. The Royal family has been unofficially cancelled. Meghan and Harry and their chickens came out of the woodwork “super subtly” to talk with Opera and it was a bit of a mic drop. Look, I don’t trust anyone who does an interview “just because”. Especially when it seems like the exact opposite of what they’re proclaiming they want, which is a simple life. There’s always a reason, the timing seems chosen, the editing seemed calculated. But all that aside, they managed to squeeze in mental health, suicide, racism, cult vibes with a fear factor, publicity for their company (3X) and a comparison of themselves to Diana into a three hour conversation. BRAVO! Very well done from a PR standpoint. If I were Harry I’d be legitimately pissed. All this is going down and William is like – bummer bro, that sucks. And if we’ve learned anything this past year, if you aren’t speaking up, you’re a part of the problem. And maybe this is part of it but we all know Harry isn’t Charles’ son, yes? There’s a reason William and Harry look nothing alike. I’m no geneticist but…I do have eyeballs. Could that be a reason why they were cut off and all of this became such an issue? Because if you boil it down, it was – the Queen is amazing, the royal family is racist, we were trapped in fear, they wanted me to die, Queen is amazing, well not everyone is racist, I can’t call an uber to the palace, we didn’t want to end up like Diana, okay one person is racist and we’re not saying who but the Queen is amazing. And we’re having a girl and our family is perfect now. Because of that statement, which I found a bit off putting, I kinda hope she identifies as a male.
What that interview did for me was make me incredibly grateful for my life. As much as I long to live in a palace or a castle, the microscope that would come with that is something I don’t think I could bear. I imagine the PR team of the palace or the “Institution” hasn’t slept since March 7. It was not a good look for them. However, if the Queen decided I should be knighted as a Dame, I’d be on the next flight. (shrugs) I’ll curtsy, I’ll say the things, I’m in. Yes please, do the little sword thing to me, Lizzy. For me it’s not the title but the history and legacy of it all. I’m just enamoured with history and that’s why I am concerned we are cancelling it. And I’m not saying everything should be forgiven, some things can’t be. Nor should some things be forgotten as Harry and Meghan reminded us. We learn a great many things from our past and it is crucial if we don’t want history to repeat itself. Maybe what we should be asking ourselves is CAN people change? Do we believe in 2nd chances? I was raised on a 3 strikes you’re out policy. My dating life would negate that, but that is neither here nor there. Are we not a forgiving society? Can’t we put people in time-out first? There are jokes that were ok from 20 years ago that would RUIN someone’s career now…and have. We all came from somewhere. I’m sure we’ve all said and done things we aren’t proud of. I used to wear sweatpants that had the word ‘Juicy’ on the butt so who am I to judge anyone? We’ve gotten a bit fire and brimstone judgy-pants in my humble opinion. If people want to get the vaccine, GREAT! You’re wearing Crocs today? SUPER! Life is hard enough, let’s not forget the golden rule and kindness. Natasha Lyonne said it best on Russian Doll : “Being a person is a fucking nightmare!” On that note, I want you all to know that my neighbor across the way has been listening to the operatic version of My Heart Will Go On for 4 hours on repeat and pretty sure my neighbor above me is hosting a gangbang. We all deal in our own ways. I’ll take more thunderstorms for $500 please. Xx
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