LFG

I got my apps all downloaded. I got my devices amped and ready. I’ve been following the torch. Bring on the Olympics. I’ll be living on Tokyo time and it looks like I won’t be sleeping for 14 days. Totally worth it. Can’t wait. I told my brother’s fiancé she’s lucky her shower doesn’t overlap with any events or we’d have to reschedule. I watched LFG on HBOMax and what the U.S. women’s soccer team is going through for equal pay is total bullshit. I’ve been talking about this, particularly in U.S. soccer for YEARS. Is it not 2021? How is this a hard concept? The U.S. Soccer Federation’s arguments have been insulting at best. I doubt there’s a single American who can name ONE U.S. men’s soccer player – and you wanna know why? ‘Cause they suck and who cares. And, yes, last year they made more money than the men’s team. ONE YEAR and still barely, even after the winning the World Cup while the men’s team, from what I can tell, makes just as much for waking up in the morning. And if you’re looking at it that way, if the men’s team had won the World Cup (as if they could actually qualify), they would have made significantly more than the women’s team so it’s still on an uneven scale. Now if we were comparing the women’s team to the Premier League and the kind of money they rake in, this would be a different conversation – but we aren’t and here we are. I googled men’s soccer and the first thing that came up was ‘why is the U.S. men’s soccer team so bad?’ Their highest ranking ever was 4th and that was 15 years ago. You cannot deny the outrageous success of the U.S. women’s team. EQUAL PAY. Honestly, I don’t know why the U.S. men’s and women’s teams don’t just play a game and settle this once and for all. Not only would it be an astronomical money maker, it would be further proof for the case. I sometimes wonder why I don’t run the world. And then I remember people are annoying, I hate making decisions and I enjoy my pool time too much.

In further evidence that our judiciary system is out of its element, Bill ‘I’m a fucking creep’ Cosby is out of jail. The Pennsylvania Supreme Court overturned the conviction after serving a whopping (and gilded) two of his ten year sentence. Part of the appeal was that the decision was made during a period of a “PUBLIC PANIC” – give me a fucking break. Yeah, you bet we were in a panic. Our TV ‘dad’ turned out to be a very bad man! Chappelle said it best, as he always does, ‘it would be as if you heard chocolate ice cream itself had raped 54 people. Nooooo, I love chocolate ice cream!’ It’s how I feel every time a Michael Jackson song comes on. If you can get through Beat It without wanting to throw up, I applaud you. Back to Cosby, the guy full on admitted to giving women quaaludes when he wanted to have sex with them. Um, DING DING DING, I think we got him guys! No?? Unbelievable. Robert Durst, who is currently midtrial for one of several murders he has never been found guilty of, will probably be dead before he is finally sentenced to jail. He full on admitted to murdering his wife but because he didn’t know he was being recorded, the evidence was not admissible in court. I didn’t go to law school but I would guess 9 1/2 out of 10 people aren’t going to admit murder when they know they’re being recorded. How are these rules? What WAS admissible was when he confessed to murdering and dismembering his neighbor in Texas but was not charged because, wait for it, he pleaded self defense. WHAT PLANET ARE WE ON?! If it was just a murder, sure, I mean I guess, but then he took apart the body limb by limb. The guy was already dead! – who exactly was he defending himself from?! That’s not self defense. That’s psychotic. What jury member heard that garbage excuse and was like – definitely, I’d have done the same thing, makes perfect sense…?!?! You know who takes apart human bodies like it’s no big deal? – FUCKING SERIAL KILLERS!!! If these maniacs aren’t in jail, can someone explain to me who should be in jail? Leonard and Debbie for their ounce of marijuana? Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Way to go everyone.

I watched The Greatest Vacation Rentals on Netflix and now if my next trip isn’t on a private island for $18,000 a night, I don’t want it. WOW. There are some really amazing places to go in this world. Hawaiian cabins with private waterfalls, treehouses, bird nests in rice fields, lighthouses, catamarans in the middle of the Caribbean, mansions on the water that can also cruise the coasts – I mean, it’s all out there and here I sit, on the floor of my studio apartment in the middle of a neighborhood that is slowly deteriorating by the second and continually decorated with yellow tape. There’s still a ballot box down the street which has been turned into a urinal. My ballot is probably still in there. Granted, I do know how to vacay. This past weekend, I was in a pool for three days and there may or may not have been a Veuve Clicquot trolley. I was in heaven. I lost an earring. I told this kid if he found it I’d give him $70 (I was obviously drunk). I completely forgot I even lost it and three hours later I hear, ‘I FOUND IT!!!’ He ended up settling for my pool football, which was harder to give up than I thought it would be. RIP. There also may or may not have been a ghost in my room from the 20’s who would not stop staring at me while I was sleeping. I named her Linda. Turns out ghosts can be annoying too. I even text the hotel and asked if any paranormal activity had been reported in the room and they were like ‘Oh no! What’s going on? Can we fix it?’ I should have said, ‘yes. come fix it.’ Cheers Linda, I hope you miss me and are sick about it.

Meanwhile, in things you never thought you’d hear, “My wife and I find you very attractive but if you’re only into me, that works too.” And that’s when I spit out half my margarita and flatlined. Can I be catapulted into the sun? I’m a magnet for maniacs. Whoever put whatever voodoo hex on me, it works. I’m waving the white flag. You win. I finally purchased a zester, which is about the size of my forearm. It arrived, however, in a box the size of 2 grown adult cadavers. THANKS, Amazon. And on an unrelated note, if you aren’t drooling over Jean Smart right now, you’re nuts. She is my current everything. Her, pickles and arrabiata sauce – be STILL MY HEART. Doesn’t take much to impress me – just add hot sauce. Thanks for joining me this week. To everyone out there, LFG!!!!! Except you, Ashishi – you go to bed. I don’t hate people often, I really don’t, but if he were on fire and I had a glass of water…I’d drink it. Happy 4th y’all. I’ll be sipping vino with cowboys. Laces out. YEE HAW! Xx

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