Well, some of us ran the L.A. marathon and some of us drank ten pounds of champagne and woke up in a 2 year old’s room. Wedding showers, am I right? Get a group of girls together before the sun sets and you better clear the streets. Talk about rebels without a cause. Cause here’s the thing with day drinking at this juncture in my life. The headache will come. It’s just a matter of when. So what I’ve discovered, after thorough research, is the longer I drink, the further away my headache is. And that’s not alcoholism, that’s self preservation. Something I learned this past weekend – if you are a guest at a wedding and you aren’t married to your date – don’t sign his name on anything or it will be showcased on your friend’s wall for the rest of their lives. Cool, cool, cool…
So, how’s everyone doing out there? I got some friends that are terrified, getting all fifty shades of American-psycho on me and I got other friends who wrote VIRUS on every single Corona in their fridge. Here’s the thing, do what you need to do to feel safe. It’s a free country. Wear a mask if you want to wear a mask – but wear it knowing I know everything I need to know about you. I’ll just be over here judging and making a list of who’s gonna be on my Hunger Games team when this thing hits rock bottom cause some of y’all aren’t gonna make it. I went to the grocery store last night and, after observation, I thought ‘maybe we deserve this’. Just when I thought America couldn’t get any crazier…Aye, aye, aye. GET IT TOGETHER AMERICA. Monica, is this big hoop behavior? It was midnight and it was MASS.HYSTERIA. Was NO ONE washing their hands before this? There’s no water, TP is running low, hand sanitizer is harder to find than a tall gentleman. While everyone is running around buying water that comes out of a sink for free and refusing to shake hands, I am going to stick to my status quo, grab a case of beer and watch the world slowly melt into lava. This is natural selection, people. I say we pump this thing up and see what everyone is made of. They’re too many of us here anyways and after seeing the way some of you have been behaving the past few weeks, some of you have gotta go. I’m here for it. If this is the way I go, this is the way I go and I’m fine with that. I can’t run around all hyped up about about THE AIR.
I’m just trying to eat some coconut ice cream on a Wednesday night, MOVE BRENDA!…with your cart full of every canned good SoCal has to offer and enough toilet paper to TP the Great Wall of China. I could have eaten the ice cream and gotten another in the time it took me to check out. On that note, self-checkout should require certification or a license or some sort of competency test, cause some people be having ISSUES. Why’s it taking you 15 minutes to buy water, MONICA?! Also, and this is especially for people who live in West Hollywood, if you’ve waited until NOW to wear a mask, you’re an idiot. This place is disgusting. And ya know, maybe I’m the idiot. I’m the one with a sub-par immune system but what am I going to to about any of this? Sit here in more panic than I’m already drowning in day to day? I refuse to live in fear. Maybe I should be worried, but I’m not. Not even a little bit. I am Kevin-McAllister not afraid. You worry about whether you live or die, I’ll worry about the 2020 summer Olympics. Some of us have REAL concerns, DARIN!
And bravo to society in general. (sarcastic standing ovation) If any country’s been waiting for a chance to take us down, if they’ve been taking any kind of notes, we’re done for. Step One: Cause widespread hysteria. Step 2: Shut down the electricity. Does this country have a plan for if we lose power? Do you? I think everyone needs to put one together because I came home to no power last week and my street was in DISARRAY. People couldn’t get into the parking garages so they’re just standing outside staring at the sky, wandering around in the middle of the streets as if all life has ceased to exist. Everybody needs to formulate a plan for when we are attacked by electromagnetic waves that put this country to a total standstill because no one knows what to do. I’m not trying to give anyone any ideas, I’m just saying you don’t need an atomic bomb to take out this country. Just shut down Instagram for a few hours and watch the meltdowns multiply. Take the internet away for a day and you’ll have people full on losing their minds.
On a lighter note, I’ve been watching I am a Killer on Netflix which is about people on death row. How’s that for a smooth transition? I gotta tell you, my first thought was: They have free room and board. and never have to work…and they feed you. Which then lead to an entire thought process revolving around dietary restrictions in jail and how that all works. My mind is a terrifying magical place. This one guy murdered his cellmate (who was a pedofile – and I know I know, murder is murder, but I do think that’s important) just so he could get on death row. Here’s my thing. Death row should be like the Count of Monte Cristo jails – stone walls, dirt floors, tasteless porridge all day everyday. How and why are there standards for these facilities? And maybe if we had a more efficient and error proof judiciary system, we could all get on board with that but I think it’s a bit nutty that my tax dollars are going to their living expenses.
This other dude is on death row because he and his friends used too much of their passed-out friend’s cocaine and went out to sell the rest of it for money to pay for what they used. Reread that sentence. Let that soak in. I’m not good at math, but that would mean their friend would wake up to NO cocaine. And what do I know? But I feel like this was a major contribution to their pile of shit decisions that night. This guy is gonna be FURIOUS. NONE of this makes sense by the way. The only show where hallucinogens end up in an ax murder. This other guy says he called 911 and it didn’t go through – like what are you even talking about?? That’s not even a good lie. And let’s not forget that before this man was found guilty, he was eligible to vote. Let that seep in. And this is also why men are trash. Kidding. (mostly)
So do what you gotta do. I’m gonna take advantage of this time. Maybe fly to some exotic location for the price of a Lean Pocket. Maybe go get ‘trapped’ in Bora Bora. Maybe rewatch all 7 seasons of Buffy. Who knows. That’s my kind of mayhem. Does anyone else find it odd mass pandemics happen only during election years? I’m just saying… I went to a Blues game last night, apparently the last one for awhile since the NHL announced they are following suit with the NBA, and they played ‘Sweet Caroline’ and the touching hands part got REAL awkward. Broadway is going dark, March Sadness is getting sadder – soon there will be no drinking and no talking. But at least we will have have toilet paper. For all you price gougers out there, karma will find you and I hope you get the coronavirus. See? If we direct this thing, we could really use it to our advantage. My mother is somewhere in Africa and she’s probably safer than any of us. Love you, ma. To end on a serious note, to all of you: I hope that whatever you’re doing, wherever you are, you feel safe and healthy and loved. Stay safe out there. Xx
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