Scary Movie Life

Well it’s happened.  I am living my nightmare, starring in my own horror film.  Something I never thought possible.  (sigh) I didn’t have a single sip of alcohol on St. Patrick’s Day.  I’m a failure to myself, my family and all of Ireland.  I feel shame.  I don’t even know who I am anymore.  This year has been what I like to call THE WORST.  2020 has been so fun.  And by fun I mean everything is on fire and I’m being chased around by a gang of vampires that wants to kill me 24/7 while it’s raining shards of glass.  SUPER FUN.  I feel about this virus the way I feel about fruit flies.  Like, what?  How?  When?  (I don’t need a scientific explanation, I know it came from an animal and it’s mutating and blah blah).  This thing is really putting a damper on my dreams.  I’m supposed to be zipping around in my Jetson’s space-car!!  Not hunting for TP and looking for singles in the NO PRODUCE aisle.  I just wish I had a boyfriend so he could bring me yummy sandwiches.  And then leave.  That’s the kind of man I want.  A man who knows what I need and DELIVERS – free of charge.  WHERE ARE YOU AND WHY WON’T YOU LET ME LOVE YOU?!

What is even happening?  You know it’s crazy when even the creator of the red wedding is like WTF:

…and keep in mind he writes fantasy.  I ordered 55 grocery items.  4 of them were delivered.  3 of the items were for my neighbor.  Just imagine the blended look of disappointment, fury, irony, shoulda known better, F@#$ EVERYTHING and what else can I do but laugh look on my face.  Lot of emotions over here.  Turns out I’m not a strategist.  I also don’t think in bulk.  Mentally, I can’t wrap my head around it.  I know this is going to come as a shock to a lot of you but…I am not a planner.  It’s why I have a hard time packing, it’s why I have commitment issues, it’s why I bought a planner last year and not a single thing was ever written in it.  Planning gives me anxiety.  I obsess over it.  I don’t need panic food.  I’ll eat the panic food.  This is why I can’t have nice things.  I go to the grocery store 5x a week.  MINIMUM.  That’s just how I live my life.  I am extremely indecisive.  I’m a wanderer.  I hate going to the grocery store with me.

The thing is, I should be happy.  Finally, grocery stores are all the rage.  This should be my time to shine, but I can’t even appreciate it because I’m too distracted by the constant nonsense.  You, lady, with your twenty pound bag of pinto beans, are nonsense.  You, sir, with the two handles of whiskey, are…actually, you might have a shot.  I like your priorities.  There are carts FULL to the brim just abandoned all over the store and it’s NANNERS.  Someone out there better be documenting, recording and researching human behavior, cause they are getting WILD.  So I gotta ask.  What’s with all the toilet paper?  Unless you’re taking all that to a school or you have 25 children, I’m going to need a written explanation as to what exactly you think you’re doing with all that.  Even if I was was not allowed to leave my apartment for two months, I would need – I don’t know, 4 rolls max?  MAX.  So why there’s a shortage in TOILET PAPER across the nation is a bit perplexing to me.  Was everyone just buying roll to roll before?  I don’t get it.  And I’ve heard all sorts of excuses.  Caring for those you love, preparing our bunker, blah blah – I’m not buying it.  What I AM – is concerned about your bowel movements.  Severely.  I’m worried about your shit.  Literally.

I love how all of you are talking about all the things you’re going to do with all this time you have now.  Well, just wait till you figure out how time works, Claire.  I’m still trying to figure it out.  It’ll blow your mind.  You’re going to learn Mandarin, Linda?  Yeah?  Can’t wait for you to call me in Mandarin next week.  You’re going to finally write that book, Drew?  Do it.  Sign me up.  It’s like New Years resolutions – shouts of grandeur everywhere.  Through a megaphone:  PROVE IT!  While the rest of you are adjusting to your new ‘coworkers’, having children around, getting drunk and making bad decisions – I’m talking to you, Karens of America – Charles Shaw and I are going do our best to get through this thing without getting pregnant.  Also, sidenote.  I’ve seen A LOT of people complaining about how annoyed they are with their own children.  Now imagine they’re not your children.  #payteachersmore

I’m just real torn up about stuff and have a lot of questions.  Like, a lot.  They’re talking about student loan forgiveness and I’m like…UM, does that mean I get the money I paid my loan with back????  So, I should have just deferred and spent it all on gummy bears and trips to the peloponnesian islands!?  Am I going to have to pay rent on April 1?  And if so, with what?  Can I pay it in blankets?  Spices?  Old Halloween costumes?  Relish?  Why are celebrities getting test kits like their life is more important than someone with actual symptoms?  And on a more poignant level, why is America so obsessed with celebrities?  It’s so weird.  Why do I feel like this place is being run like tinker-toy town?  And by place, I mean America.  LA’s mayor said, “We will not go into lockdown.  If you can lockdown, however, you should.”  HUH?!  I’ve talked to drunk people and two year olds who have made more sense.  Be a leader.  Make a decision.  Take some responsibility for your city.  Or step aside.

Also, there’s A LOT of misinformation going around out there.  Everyone stop using the term ‘shelter in place’.  That is not a thing.  Well, it IS, but not for the situation we are in.  It’s a term used for an active shooter or a tornado.  So let’s stop throwing around phrases we don’t know the meanings of.  Who knew I had so many six degrees of separation from the Secret Service and the CDC?  America would lose the game of telephone.  Fact check.  Provide your source.  While there are a lot of shit heads out there trying to profit from all of this, I cannot ignore the equal amounts of generosity this pandemic has also spurred.  I’ve had friends go out to get me groceries.  I’ve had neighbors post notes like this:

Screenshot_20200319-101823_Video Player

Also proving that not all of my neighbors are mutants.  So while there are, of course, garbage people rising to the surface, there’s an abundant amount of sparkle shining brighter ever before.  My beautiful boss brought me chicken she found at the grocery store and I might have cried.  Everyone is checking in and touching base more often.  There’s a sense of priority that’s taken over – and it’s called LOVE.  My mom is in Africa and I’ve heard more from her since she’s been there than I’ve heard from her in the last 2 years total.  So, yes, we are living a horror film and maybe when it’s over it will all still be Gwenyth Paltrow’s fault, but in the meantime let’s take care of one another and let our differences fall to the wayside and come together as one for the first time in a long time.  Let’s love – really really hard, because it can’t hurt….unless you have a garage full of hand sanitizer – I do not love you.  If you were on fire and I had a bottle of water, I would drink it.  But to everyone else except Jessica from Love is Blind, sending lots of love and virtual hugs and toilet paper and yummy recipes and hope.  Keep hanging Xx





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