The Culling

What a week it has been, especially in the United States of WTF is going on America. My.God. Stand back Schitt’s Creek, because this was BY FAR the best comedy of the year. For those of you who watched the (dramatic pause with a big long sigh)…”debate”…I really hope you were drinking. For those of you who didn’t, I hope you were also drinking. The fact that I can call anything a shit show in 2020 is a mind bang in itself. That’s an extra hour and half of life that I will never get back and I still don’t know a single thing about either man’s platform on…well, anything…because they were each too busy accusing the other of not having a plan like two tiny turd third graders on a half court during recess. I found Tiger King more educational. Drunk Uncle from SNL could have made better arguments. Hi, it’s America, we’re looking for two gentleman – there are 328 million of us and we couldn’t seem to find one. I just smashed my face into a pillow and screamed. I am at a loss for words honestly. There was no winner, but I’ll tell you who lost – America. We are all dumber for having listened and may God have mercy on our souls.

Speaking of plans, you know who else didn’t have a plan? Chris MF Wallace! That was like watching someone try to parent twins in the candy section in the grocery and then just abandoning them for the wine fridge two minutes in. Then coming back over an hour later to see aisle 9 is now a Willy Wonka meets Tarantino inspired NIGHTMARE, shaking a finger, and disappearing again. Might I suggest a handgun with blanks or an airhorn to shoot into the ceiling anytime it gets out of hand. Granted, he would have been out of ammo by minute 5 but at least it would have displayed some type of forethought. At the very minimum, bring a bottle of whiskey and start drinking next time so we all know that you’re aware that you’re out of your element. Give them shock collars at this point, hell, throw in Kanye next time. Seriously, add Kanye, who even cares anymore? HOW WAS THIS A PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE?! I’ve seen children argue about pool floaties with more tact and respect. POOL FLOATIES! So anyway, who from Australia would like to marry me so I can get my Visa? Taking submissions till midnight.

Meanwhile on Detroit Street, everything must go. That’s my life right now. I am in the middle of a necessary and most serious purge. ‘The Culling’ as my friend calls it which was a word I did not know existed until this week. The garbage I have held onto is questionable at best. Every oven mitt I had was Christmas themed and falling apart. I was still using a three piece stereo to play music via YouTube on my computer. Everyone is like, get an Alexa, get an Alexa and I’m like I don’t want that little snitch in my house! I was going on about it at a friend’s when an echo dot was thrown at my face still in the box with a ‘Take this.’ Now if I could only stop listening to my music via YouTube – people keep trying to explain it to me – I don’t get it. I have things I had no idea I even had – humidifiers, reindeer martini sets, a slew of VHS cassettes with shows I had taped in the 90s. Remember when you had to set up the VCR to record a show and just prayed to the heavens it would actually work and that no one would mess with it or record over it and then if it didn’t work, you just cried for three hours because there was nothing you could do? Real talk, the channel Buffy was on didn’t come in very clear and I would still sit and watch it through the static like most people did for free porn. So in a sense you could say Buffy was my porn. Ma is gonna love this.

I had an entanglement with a spider in my apartment. Not in the Jada/August type of way but in the THIS IS A SITUATION type of way. He was up high so I stood on my couch, got him with a paper towel and then as I coming down I realized he was moving, convinced myself he was going to crawl up my arm and flung him into the abyss wildly and now he’s just in here somewhere and I don’t know how to live my life. I can’t go to sleep because he will crawl inside of my mouth and create an 4th reich arachnid kingdom and slowly poison me to death from the inside out. He’s just in here, crawling around in my home without an invitation and I’m supposed to act normal?? I’m like Inspector Javier knowing Jean Valjean is out there somewhere, restless. I’m not going to throw myself off a bridge or anything but I do sleep with one eye open now, which is a step up from not sleeping at all so look at me making progress in life! But seriously, someone come find this spider…and bring a chai cupcake. Besos.

I am continually asked if I’m online dating and let me be very clear. You’ve seen my life. 2020 has already been more than enough. I don’t feel it is in my best interest to add anything further to this flaming garbage heap of despair. I try to spend my time with people who make me smile to ensure a guaranteed good time. I don’t need to be making any kind of extracurricular risks meeting up with strangers on a Tuesday in hopes some algorithm created by a 15 year old is going to lead me to my destiny. Add the fact that I can’t even sit at the bar, which has ultimately been one of the harder parts of quarantine for me, and that’s a no thanks for me, Bob. So if you think you’ve had it rough, just remember that I have to sit at a table until further notice and I hate every second of it. In conclusion, hats are misleading, pictures can’t be trusted and no. I am still stuck on the notion that he will show up one day, out of breath, like he’s finally found what he so desperately needed. I’m way too Renaissance for this life sometimes.

So going into next week, I have one request for all of you – LISTEN to each other. What some of us witnessed during the third installment of Grumpy Old Men is very indicative of what’s happening in America – nobody is listening to one another and, as we all unfortunately saw, it’s a problem. The art of conversation has been lost. Our curiosity has been squelched – I can’t even tell you the last time I used that word. The moment you stop listening is when you feel you have nothing to learn. Listen to people you don’t agree with, be curious about why people believe what they do and open your eyes because until we do, we are no better than what we saw. If you want to hate someone, fine – but do it respectfully. Do it with class. I am NOT condoning hatred, I will forever be an advocate of love, but simply saying if you’re gonna do it, do it nicely. Yes, there are some real hotdogs out there – don’t be one of them. We have to be able to have conversations with people who don’t feel the same way we do because THAT is what makes life beautiful!! Otherwise we’re looking at a world a la 1984 and then I really will jump off a bridge. And for those of you who missed the debate (most likely by choice which I full on support) don’t you worry, there are TWO MORE of these hot air fiestas scheduled this month. Yikes. At this rate, the United States might run out of alcohol. Xx

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