Red, White & Who?

Well, well, well…the whole world is watching and from the looks of it, the fate of this country is in the hands of a bunch of strippers and chain smoking penny slotters. A well executed 2020 plot twist. As the mayor of Vegas, I did NOT see this coming. Not in a million bajillion eleventy-million all-my-life years. Has a state ever been so lackadaisical about anything? Every other state is 90%+ in and chomping at the bit with xanax fueled anxiety while Nevada is 75% in and seemingly fine with it in a very no sense of urgency, my flight is in 20 minutes but let’s go through the Starbucks drive-thru, Hakuna Matata kind of way.

Nevada is the friend who tells you they’re on their way when they’re 100% still in bed. Meanwhile the rest of us are all dressed up ready for brunch, foaming at the mouth starving. We’re all refreshing our screens every 30 seconds and Nevada is eating fiesta packs on the strip with a side of scorpion bowls like – daaaang, give us a minute, okay? It has been A DAY. This shit is STRESSFUL!! It’s too much, baby!! I will say, however, these Nevada memes are possibly worth this entire election process. My favorite so far:

Nevada ballot counters showing up to work this morning like

Dying. But real talk, who is counting these votes? Patients at a fentanyl clinic? A herd of sloth-turtle hybrids? For the record, a group of turtles is called a bale and a group of sloths is called a bed. So a hybrid would be called a bedbale which I find highly amusing.

And I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Nevada’s only taking after our own government whose decision process, I imagine, goes something like – All in favor? (waits for show of hands, doesn’t count them) All against? (show of hands, a bit of a confused face) All in favor again? (counts them, loses count, starts over – long awkward silence) You know what – all in favor, go stand on one side of the room. All against, go to the other. (No one knows which side is what. Chaos.) All in favor to the right. (they go left) MY RIGHT! (one big long sigh) You know what? It’s a little muggy in here – I think it might have to do with whatever McConnell had for lunch – so how about everybody take a long weekend, hit the Hamptons and let’s reconvene sometime next week. Good game. (High fives and finger-guns all around) What is terrifying is that I don’t think I’m that far off.

The air has been…thick with emotion shall we say? It’s exhausting. That or a one hour time difference has completely wrecked my world and I’m going through sun withdrawal, which is highly plausible. I am just trying to stay sane over here. And on that note, it has been brought to my attention that a handful of you worried about me. Let me explain something. Uhhh, we’re in the midst of a going on 8 months pandemic where the one thing I live to do (travel) has been BANNED. I haven’t had a manicure or a pedicure in over a year. My roots are Emmy worthy. I can’t go for a run outside sans mask without being looked at like I just murdered Elmo and the remaining Sesame Street residents in the public square. I haven’t seen live theatre or been to a concert in MONTHS and have no idea when that will ever be a possibility again. Watching the Bengals suck every week by myself in my apartment is so much more depressing than in a sports bar full of people. I miss people in general! Then there are specific people I need to see and the world won’t let me, so YEAH, I’m drinking a tad more than normal. But it’s not like I’m drinking bottles by myself on the reg. I do it with other people and that is what separates me from the alcoholics. And just so you know, I’ve also been working out a lot but I don’t talk about that because I don’t hate you that much. You’re welcome. So, no, I’m not fine. None of us are. We’re all getting through this in our own ways. If you are still worried, however, feel free to send me an airline ticket so I have something to look forward to one day…or even a handwritten card would be sweet…or a hat to cover this every-day-is-a-walk-of-shame hair on my head.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, the most magical thing just happened! In an effort to stay in my own happy bubble of glitter and sunshine, I’ve been watching Buffy all week – naturally. Buffy says, and I quote, “…when this is over, I’m thinking pineapple pizza and teen movie fest…” Just one more reason she’s my ultimate girl crush and how I’m basically the slayer. And on that note – I know pineapple pizza has a bad rep. Like green bubble, Nickelback, Ashlee Simpson SNL performance, Ryan Lochte in Rio BAD. And honestly, I’d be fine with it – more for me – but here’s what happens every single time I order pizza in a group. Meredith and Gillian have decided their vegan gluten-free pizza sucks (because it does), Charley and Hank get curious and before I know it, I’ve only had one slice, my pizza is gone and I’m stuck with their shitty decisions. It’s Kevin McAllister infuriating. And I haven’t had a working oven in over three weeks so I’m on the brink over here. I reached out to maintenance AGAIN telling them if they can’t fix my oven, they best send pizza. I take two things in life seriously – love and pizza…and it shows.

And look, I don’t know what’s going to happen. It’s the election day that will never end sang to the tune of Lamb Chop’s Play-Along theme song. It’s the Groundhog Day of elections – make it stop (looking at you, Nevada). We got people claiming unofficial victories left and right. Meanwhile the election results looks like they were colored in by four different children simultaneously. I have never stared at a map of America with such scrutiny in my life. We got people still upset the election isn’t decided by popular vote and that just makes my head want to pop off because that means you don’t understand demographics and would prefer a country in which 5 cities would essentially decide elections. And before anyone goes flying off the handle, I feel very strongly our electoral college needs serious reform – don’t even get me started on the delegates/superdelegates whose votes “usually” reflect the popular vote…like what does that even mean? It’s just another opportunity for error and voter fraud because at the end of the day, they can vote however they want and in many cases, HAVE, throwing elections one way or another. People are crazy man – and with all the puppeteering, racketeering and all around paid-for-by nonsense we are “represented” by, why aren’t those electoral votes just automatically given to the popular vote candidate per state?! Why the middle man?! Seriously, if anyone can answer this, please enlighten me. Ugh, is it too early to start drinking?

Speaking of booze, I watched On the Rocks and Bill Murray’s character said women are their most beautiful from age 35 to 39, which means I have another year and a half in my prime.  To answer your question, yes, this is where I’m at.  Finding optimism in movie quotes that may or may not even be true to anyone else in the world but the writer who wrote it. I’m taking it as gospel. Hang in there. Focus on the happy and what makes you feel good. I know a lot of you are feeling a certain way about this election and what the future holds but remember that no matter what happens, one man/woman/person/administration doesn’t define us. No matter the outcome, this country is very clearly divided because that is how a two party system thrives. Until we learn to come together and have conversations with the people who don’t think the same way we do and stop letting the far right and far left define our preconceived notions of one another, we will remain that way. We will always be more powerful together.

At the end of the day, regardless of who is president, I will still be me. And that’s not privilege, that’s a fact. The supreme court has made decisions I don’t agree with before and they’ll do it again. Even rest-in-peace-baby-angel Ruth Bader supported decisions I didn’t love, including piping through Appalachian lands – Happy Native American Heritage Month by the way. I will always have my beliefs and I will forever stand up for what I think is right whether it’s red, blue, right or left, radical, conservative or 1000 shades of bonkers. And I say these things because I am aware that my government doesn’t always represent me or the people I love and that the system is broken. I’m not ignorant to the enormity of this election but I am realistic. This won’t make or break me. And I know a lot of you are going but, but, but – NO BUTS – we will still be the same people we were yesterday. We will prevail, we always have. We WILL be okay, and if not, there’s always Banff. Be kind to one another, listen to some good music, call a friend and make them laugh. Have an optimistic heart. And if you have a working oven, make yourself a pizza and think of me fondly. Cheers to love & (pineapple)pizza. Xx


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