How are all those languages coming along?  Remember when a bat ruined my chances at ever seeing Hamilton or having sex?  Oh man…let’s see…let me look at these tallies I’ve been making on my wall with lipstick I’ll never wear again…it’s day eleventy-five of this quarantine and so far my kitchen has flooded, I’ve murdered another “unkillable” plant, got drunk off Kahlua, have become obsessed with the pizza guy from Barstool Sports and I’m pretty sure I broke something in my foot.  I also picked up Vampire Diaries where I left off and I gotta say, Nina Dobrev did not get enough credit.  At one point she’s playing three different characters pretending to be the other characters.  I mean, if Katherine Heigl won an Emmy – that’s all I’m saying.  I would like to point out that my computer corrected my spelling on Katherine’s name and that is now a new bucket list item for me.  I want all spell checks to know my name and correct people when they misspell it.  And yes, I’ve been drinking.

My jeans still fit, but why?  I have been eating the diet of a 6 year old with divorced parents.  Are Dunkaroos still a thing?  I’m living like someone in solitary confinement in a state prison minus the free food and rent…so that’s cool.  I never thought I’d say this, but to all of you still living in your parents’ basement…well played.  This blog is the only reason I have any idea what day it is anymore.  Kinda like how I stopped keeping track of my age after 25, it will forever just be March 2020.  I paid my rent in monopoly money and condoms – so that should go over well.  I’m kidding.  Mostly.  At this point I don’t think I even need to watch Tiger King.  I feel like I get the idea and basically know the gist.  I don’t want my expectations to be ruined – I like the vision I have in my head – which is reason #435 online dating isn’t for me.

Speaking of which, are people still hooking up during this thing?  Is there a quarantine quickie app?  It seems like a really bad idea.  Unless you’re into masks…I guess?  If anyone can say these are hard times, it’s all of the people that were in undefined relationships when this thing started.  Especially for all of you who strategically waited to hook up till AFTER Valentine’s Day and now you’re dealing with a worldwide pandemic and Jessica wants to know who else you’re banging cause she don’t want the ‘rona.  Best of luck with that, sir.  I haven’t seen an attractive man in what feels like three fortnights times seven – so at this point, when I do, I might very well get pregnant via eye contact.

Been zooming a lot.  And everytime I do I think of that mazda commercial, which ages me and then half the people don’t know what I’m talking about so I end up just sitting there whispering ‘zoom, zoom’ like some kind of psychopath who should have a bird on her shoulder.  Zoom is a social study for sure.  People are either wrangling their children, dealing with their pets or choosing a new virtual background.  A lot of you are doing house tours and I’m like – this is it!  You’re looking at the tour!  And to every person EVER who’s asked my why I’m single – THIS!  This is why!  I have never been so happy to be alone in my life – and I know this because I zoom with parents and it looks like a clip from Stepbrothers.  A lot going on over there.  I didn’t even know some of you had that many kids.  Congrats.  Also, I hear there’s a huge security breach with Zoom so I deleted it.  FYI

People are losing it.  Here’s all I’ll say about the stimulus check.  I’m not sure how it’s concluded that me and Linda Jo from Tulsa should get the same amount of money, but hey, I’m not complaining.  It’s better than nothing.  Lotta people running around with masks on – some I’m not really sure I understand or why.  There’s a very specific mask with a filter we are supposed to wear which I’m fairly certain has been out of stock for well over a month.  Again, I’m not scientist and I’m not here to tell you how AIR works, but do you know how AIR works?  Look into it.  Just a tiny recommendation from yours truly.

I’ve heard a lot of – I’m lonely, I wanna go out, this is so hard, blah blah.  Is it?  VIETNAM was hard, ok?  World War II was difficult.  The 20s were downright depressing.  This is hard?  Did your internet go out?  I almost wish they’d cancel internet for a day because the majority of my days are spent dealing with drunk people – which USED to be a predominantly weekend/after 10 o’clock thing but now it’s just a fucking free for all – and I’m beginning to understand how my dad felt when I was in college.  And I’m to blame for a lot of the current nonsense as well.  I’m fine with being alone, but drinking alone is undeniably sad – like Beaches sad.  So yeah, I miss being out at the bars, of course I do, that’s where I do my best work, but your country isn’t asking you to fly a fighter jet into enemy territory and become a POW.  They’re asking you to sit on your couch and finish Netflix.  And if Betty White or Carol Burnett go because you idiots couldn’t just stay inside and eat all your frozen vegetables, ‘rona will be the least of your worries because I will hunt you town with my empty handle of vodka.

Hard times?  To be a hero, you don’t even have to be able to run fast or get out of bed.  It just goes to show you that people will complain, no matter what.  Especially for all you people on salary still making a paycheck from your couch – PLEASE TELL ME ALL THE WAYS THIS MUST BE SUCH A DIFFICULT TIME FOR YOU.  This is basically the life you’ve always dreamed of somewhere around Monday at noon but because it’s not your choice, all of a sudden it’s a burden.  And I get it, the second someone tells me I can’t do something it’s all I want to do.  If someone told me I was forbidden from running ever again, I’d start secretly training for the marathon…and I believe marathons are for people who hate themselves.  Marathons are hard.  This isn’t hard.  Eat your Haagen-Daz, Pam, you’re gonna be fine.  Stop embarrassing me in front of the older generations.

I don’t know anymore.  You know?  We’ve gone lawless.  Gotta quote my good friend Jordan, “I don’t know whether to make another quesadilla or shave my head.”  It’s a toss up.  I will say, I am virtually surrounded by so many amazing people.  I had a lovely dinner for one consisting of sushi and champagne because of people that are near and dear to my heart.  My brother’s girlfriend bought me pizza the other night just because she could.  I had another friend randomly Venmo me because she ‘cancelled a few monthly subscriptions which are not nearly as entertaining as’ my writing.   There’s a lot of love in my life and I’m extremely grateful for it.  Find your happy.  Find new ways to entertain yourselves.  I’ve got a friend who’s apartment hallway keeps icing each other.  If you don’t know what icing is…

Icing is a drinking game in which one person conceals a bottle of Smirnoff Ice in a place that another individual will find it: upon doing so, they are immediately required to kneel and drink it.

It’s amazing and I’m a little jealous I don’t live in that hallway.  Instead I got a guy who leaves his apartment 16 times a day for God knows what, a couple who, from what I can tell, preps chicken paillards all day every day and a woman who’s convinced she’s Mother Earth and is constantly moving the plants around like we’re in a crop rotation.  I don’t know what you’re surrounded by, but push the kindness and the love forward where you can.  Be the best part of someone else’s day – from six feet away.   And piggybacking on that, people with cystic fibrosis only have to stay five feet apart- there’s a whole movie about it.  So what’s the extra foot?  Is this like when people tell me to be somewhere at quarter till, when I really don’t have to be there till the top of the hour?  I NEED ANSWERS.  If you’re looking for another reason to smile today, listen to These Dreams by Heart.  You’re welcome.  Happy quarantining.  You can do it.


Your Nonessential Friend



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